Wednesday, October 28, 2015

fat photos and food intake amounts

yeah, another FAT picture. This was taken on vacation in August. My girls took the photo when I didn't know. This was outside the Mummy ride and this guy kept following me around. (even though he isn't looking our way at that moment)
This is one of my favorite meals! Chicken Teriaki at the local Japanese restaurant. I love rice, chicken, peppers and onions and these sweet carrots are amazing! The sad part is I used to eat this whole plate of food in one sitting. I have started eating less amounts over the past few months and don't think I can eat that much now and I KNOW I wont after this surgery.

When you think about food as a way to stay alive.....  its sad that our society has gotten into the habit of overeating at every meal.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Struggling with Mommy Feelings

I am the mother of 4 children ranging in age from 23 to 15. From a young age I longed for the time when I would be a wife and a mother. When my oldest was born, I fell in love. I fell in love with my baby boy, with motherhood and rarely let him leave my side. I stayed home to care for him and 17 months later my second child was born. I loved playing with them outside, reading books, and raising them in church. Two years later I gave birth to my third child. The days were sometimes hard and tiring but I never regretted being a mother. I rarely bought anything for myself, I did everything for them. I wanted to give them things I didn't have as a child. We scraped by financially but I was home day and night. I sang with them, prayed with them, and loved them unconditionally. Four years later my youngest was born. I fell in love with my baby girl just like I did every one of them. I prayed over them and with them. I did my best.

Now, I have only one left in school. I am so proud of my children but man, is it ever hard to have done everything you know to do and then watch them leave the nest knowing that you cannot be there to protect them anymore. You cannot step in when a bad decision is being made, you can only pray for them and trust God. 

When I decided nearly a year ago that I was ready to take time for myself and do something for myself by having surgery to assist with my health, I felt like I had spend all these years being selfless and it was time to spend time on me. 

Tonight as I think more about how fast approaching my surgery is I feel guilt. I feel like I should be spending this time and money on my children. I feel like I should be there for them but what could I really do? I feel guilty and helpless. Praying is easy to do but having the faith your prayers will be answered in Gods timing and God's way is so difficult. My personality wants to take over and jump in a fix everything and I simply cant do that. Only God can be there to guide them. I wont always be there and I know deep down that I need to also take care of myself but its so hard to do. I'm struggling tonight.

Mindful Dreams

My youngest child has a blog. Would you like to follow her?

Friday, October 23, 2015

Fastly Approaching

Things are moving faster now (thankfully) I was super upset to hear I was going to have to pay $800 out of pocket for a CPAP and they required me to use the CPAP for the surgery! I didnt have the money! Long story short (and many phone calls later) the CPAP coordinator offered to let me borrow a CPAP to get me through surgery. 

Surgery is scheduled November 19th! 

In one week my husband and I will go out for the weekend and Ill have a big "last" meal at my favorite place. Then, Ill start the liquid diet  (for two 1/2 weeks)

Not looking forward to the liquid diet but excited about surgery! I never thought Id be excited about a surgery but Im ready for this LIFE CHANGE. 

For anyone who thinks this is the easy way out.... its definitely not easy and Im just beginning! 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Frustration with myself and insurance companies

I am feeling very frustrated yet again (and I haven't even had the surgery yet) I talk to a lot of people whom I know, who have had various types of WLS and all of them say they DID NOT attempt to lose before surgery. However, Ive been determined to do what the surgeon suggested, and I have. Am I losing? Only a few pounds in six months.  

I eat 5-6 times a day. An average day goes like this: 

7:00 yogurt or boiled egg, coffee
10:00 protein shake
12:30 lunch I I always take my lunch to work. Today I had a small salad topped with cottage cheese and pineapple. small cup of soup the cafeteria gave us and a cup of yogurt. After I ate that I felt full and guilty... as if I over indulged! 
3:30 (I'm supposed to have another shake but I have only been drinking water about this time) 
6:00 Dinner (usually from the book, Eating to live.)

I strive to take in 64 oz of water a day but I'm not hitting the mark on that :( That makes me feel badly as well. I (hopefully) will be having surgery within 4 weeks and I still haven't been able to create the habit of drinking all my water. 

So, right now I feel my amounts are too large and my water intake is not enough. I am frustrated with myself. 

Next week I have my pre-op appointment and will choose a surgery date. While that is exciting, I'm frustrated as well because Ive been waiting for MONTHS to get my CPAP which is required to have before surgery and I keep getting the run around. I was called today to tell me that the place that Ill be getting my equipment from is still trying to verify my insurance and figure out what they will pay and they are also waiting on ANOTHER signature from my sleep specialist. I'm beginning to worry that they wont have my CPAP to me by the time surgery rolls around. 

I also find myself wanting to indulge more in the foods I love BEFORE surgery since I know that surgery is a life changer.

Thursday, October 8, 2015


I got the call today that my insurance APPROVED me for VSG!  I have a pre-op appointment in two weeks and will schedule my surgery during that appointment. (provided I have the money that is due up front) Apparently my previous insurance denied payment for my Nutritionist visit even though they required me to go to that appointment?! I have to pay for that visit and the required amount from my surgeon. Both total about $500

I am guessing that surgery will be around the third week of November (right before Thanksgiving)

Whoop Whoop! 

Im ready! 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Waiting for my new life

I started a new job and that means I have new insurance. I completed my six visits with the surgeon, and I gave them my new insurance information (even though Ive yet to receive a card) I'm waiting for them to verify the insurance. Once its verified they will review what that insurance requires and make sure Ive completed everything. (I have no doubt that I have since my new insurance requires less than the previous insurance) Once that is complete, they schedule a Pre-Op appointment for me. During that appointment they write prescriptions, schedule surgery and explain the two week liver shrinking diet (which is mostly liquid) Then, Ill have surgery!

I should get a call any day for me to go pick up the CPAP machine and I cant wait because I'm tired all the time! (even though Ive changed my eating, I drink more water and exercise! )

I haven't told many about my choice for surgery. I simply don't want to hear all the questions or negative comments. When you tell people they tell you about others who had it and got sick, died or gained all their weight back. Or you hear people say, you don't look that over weight, why don't you just eat right? I don't want to explain that I'm 100lbs over weight and that I am tired of yoyo dieting and I'm doing this for my health and self esteem. I'm sure eventually Ill have to tell people but for now.... I'm not. I'm just anxiously awaiting surgery and my new life.
 above: vacation in florida  Below: Im in the purple. Thats a photo that just made me sick, yep its me. Size 2x shirt