Struggling with Mommy Feelings

I am the mother of 4 children ranging in age from 23 to 15. From a young age I longed for the time when I would be a wife and a mother. When my oldest was born, I fell in love. I fell in love with my baby boy, with motherhood and rarely let him leave my side. I stayed home to care for him and 17 months later my second child was born. I loved playing with them outside, reading books, and raising them in church. Two years later I gave birth to my third child. The days were sometimes hard and tiring but I never regretted being a mother. I rarely bought anything for myself, I did everything for them. I wanted to give them things I didn't have as a child. We scraped by financially but I was home day and night. I sang with them, prayed with them, and loved them unconditionally. Four years later my youngest was born. I fell in love with my baby girl just like I did every one of them. I prayed over them and with them. I did my best.

Now, I have only one left in school. I am so proud of my children but man, is it ever hard to have done everything you know to do and then watch them leave the nest knowing that you cannot be there to protect them anymore. You cannot step in when a bad decision is being made, you can only pray for them and trust God. 

When I decided nearly a year ago that I was ready to take time for myself and do something for myself by having surgery to assist with my health, I felt like I had spend all these years being selfless and it was time to spend time on me. 

Tonight as I think more about how fast approaching my surgery is I feel guilt. I feel like I should be spending this time and money on my children. I feel like I should be there for them but what could I really do? I feel guilty and helpless. Praying is easy to do but having the faith your prayers will be answered in Gods timing and God's way is so difficult. My personality wants to take over and jump in a fix everything and I simply cant do that. Only God can be there to guide them. I wont always be there and I know deep down that I need to also take care of myself but its so hard to do. I'm struggling tonight.