Saturday, October 29, 2016

On Being A Mother

 As far back as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mother. 
I wanted someone to love me and I wanted someone to love. 
I wanted to get married, have babies and raise them. I wanted to teach other children and love them.
 The few photos I have of me as a child I had a baby doll in my arms
or I was caring for my little sister.  I learned how to be a mother from my daddy, my aunts, and my grandmother.

One thing I will never regret is taking part in raising my little sister, having and raising my own four children and taking part in caring for so many other children along the way. 

The one thing I never knew, was how hard it would be to let them go. 
I never understood how hard it would be to say goodbye to my children as they started their own lives and didn't have time to call their Mom. 

I didn't know how hard it would be to be a mother. 
I didn't know how difficult it would be to make decisions for them or for myself that would make them angry at me or that might hurt them temporarily. 
I didn't know how painful it would be to me to see them hurt. 
I didn't know. Had I known, I wouldn't have changed anything. 
Ive loved being a caretaker, a mother and a sister. 

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Fear of the unknown

As  a child I was nervous every morning before school. My daddy would stop by Hardees and buy us a country ham biscuit and orange juice before school and I would be so nauseous, I couldn't eat. Once I was in school I was fine, but walking in with the thought of everyone looking at me made me nervous.  As a teen I felt the same feeling if I tried to walk in to a store or any place Id never been before. I was more comfortable if I had someone by my side. 

In High School I couldn't consider college because of he fear of not knowing my way around, the fear of being lost and looking stupid. All I could think of was I wanted to get married and have babies. I wanted four children and to stay home with my children and have my own home daycare.  That is exactly what I did. I got married two months after graduation to a childhood crush. We dated three years, had fun fishing and riding around drinking Pepsi from glass bottles and having talks about our future. 

I have struggled, though less than earlier in life, about walking in to new places. There have been a few times that Ive been scared to walk in new places and have had major anxiety and just drove away. 

Now, I'm a middle age woman, who finds herself scared. My children are almost grown. I have one left under the age of 18. She will be moving on with her own life in under two years. Now I find myself in a situation where I'm scared. 

I have been scared for most of my life. I am dealing with uncertainty right now. I am uncertain about what my future holds from here and I'm scared. This is a place that I cannot just drive away and avoid walking through the doors. 

Will I ever have confidence to walk without fear of the unknown?


Sunday, October 16, 2016

Growing Up Fast

If you are reading this and you are a long time follower you know about my childhood a little but Im going to touch on that a bit for those who read and don't know. I am not saying anything to hurt anyone. This was just my life. 

I was born to teenage parents. My dad graduated high school and went to work. My mother quit school and later got a GED. My dad worked long hours trying to provide for our family. When I was 3 my sister was born. By the time she was one, my parents separated and my dad became a single father at the age of 22. My grandmother, and my two aunts helped raise us. My dad did a lot but when he was working we spent time with those three special ladies. 

Summers at my grandma's house were spent running outside bare footed, exploring the woods, creeks, walking along railroad tracks, riding bikes to the store to buy candy, and making homemade cinnamon toothpicks! With my daddy we watched movies, sat on the porch watching the rain, and chased each other through the house shooting disc guns at each other hiding behind furniture.

At home with my daddy, I became a mother to my sister. I helped get her ready for school, bathe her at night, I learned to cook at an early age and eventually my dad would drop me off at the grocery store with his credit card and I learned how to buy groceries for the family for the week. I grew up fast and was always more mature than other children my age. 

For most of my childhood I lived day to day knowing that this was just my life. Sometimes I longed to have a mother like some of the friends in school who had mother's who volunteered a lot at school. 

It took me many years to use my childhood to identify with others in similar situations and see that maybe this is why I had to go through some things. 

Growing up fast can be a blessing and a curse... you just need to concentrate on what you learned through the hard times and how you can use it to help others. I think that my childhood is another reason I chose a career working with children. 

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Im back!

When I was in school and even when my children were young, we were encouraged to journal. We didn't have to have a topic, just free journaling. Just write what is on your mind without stopping. Let the creative juices flow, express yourself, don't worry about proper grammar and punctuation.... just write.  (I always had to use proper grammar and punctuation though...) 

I have always enjoyed creative writing. I enjoy various kinds of poetry. It does my soul good to now watch two of my children enjoy the same things. 

I started a blog some years ago. I didn't care if anyone read it because I just enjoyed writing. I gained quite a few followers and earned a little cash from ads. One day I just decided I was done. I was empty. No thoughts to journal and less time. My once thriving blog "Fried Green Tomatoes and Sweet Tea" came to an end. Eventually I started this blog but couldn't get into it that much. Posts have been few and far between. 

Today as I thought about the emptiness and the struggles I'm facing now..... I missed those times of free journaling I decided to once again write (hopefully regularly) in this blog. If only one person reads and identifies with anything I write then, maybe it will help someone to not feel as alone as I do. 

Lookout BLOGGER LAND Im back!