Sunday, October 23, 2016

Fear of the unknown

As  a child I was nervous every morning before school. My daddy would stop by Hardees and buy us a country ham biscuit and orange juice before school and I would be so nauseous, I couldn't eat. Once I was in school I was fine, but walking in with the thought of everyone looking at me made me nervous.  As a teen I felt the same feeling if I tried to walk in to a store or any place Id never been before. I was more comfortable if I had someone by my side. 

In High School I couldn't consider college because of he fear of not knowing my way around, the fear of being lost and looking stupid. All I could think of was I wanted to get married and have babies. I wanted four children and to stay home with my children and have my own home daycare.  That is exactly what I did. I got married two months after graduation to a childhood crush. We dated three years, had fun fishing and riding around drinking Pepsi from glass bottles and having talks about our future. 

I have struggled, though less than earlier in life, about walking in to new places. There have been a few times that Ive been scared to walk in new places and have had major anxiety and just drove away. 

Now, I'm a middle age woman, who finds herself scared. My children are almost grown. I have one left under the age of 18. She will be moving on with her own life in under two years. Now I find myself in a situation where I'm scared. 

I have been scared for most of my life. I am dealing with uncertainty right now. I am uncertain about what my future holds from here and I'm scared. This is a place that I cannot just drive away and avoid walking through the doors. 

Will I ever have confidence to walk without fear of the unknown?


No comments:

Post a Comment