Monday, February 20, 2017

Goals and Life

Life continues to move on in a direction I never saw coming.  I am beginning to accept it and not feel so kicked in the stomach.  I am tired. Working two jobs just to stay afloat and to get through the summer isnt easy. Its something I never wanted to have to do but never the less, here I am. Exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally.  

My almost grown children still worry me.  There is so much to worry about and yet I must trust myself. I must trust that I trained them and raised them to the best of my ability and they will make right choices.  

I used to think that when I was an adult that life would be so much easier but it is quite the opposite.  Its more difficult. 

Even though I struggle day to day with life, I am trying to get back in the game of weight loss. I still have a few more pounds that I need to lose. Something else to put my mind on. 

 

Saturday, January 14, 2017

2017- Selfishness during Midlife

Midlife.......  

Not what I expected. 

Empty Nest ......

brings sadness, emptiness, and reflections on things of the past and future. 

I have come to realize that I had dreams in high school that were not like the typical teenager.  All I wanted was to get married, have babies (four to be exact) and own a daycare.  I did just that.  Life was not always easy but I found my happiness in my children. They were my life. 

 Most of my children are grown up. My baby girl has 1.5 years left at home and then shes gone off to college.  I realized this a few years ago and that's why I decided it was time for me.... that is why I took charge and lost weight and got healthier. I still have some to lose, and I'm not giving up. 

I have never regretted the life Ive had but now, I realize Ive lived my life for them and never really had a life of my own.  Ive had low self confidence and felt that I deserved all the bad that has ever happened to me. 

You would never know that all that is inside me when you look at the smile in my "selfies" 
Through my journey they past few years Ive gained self confidence but I battle with feelings of deserving the worst.  Most of the time I know I don't but its a battle.  I am now looking at my life trying to figure out what is next... where will 2017 take me? 

The worst thing I can imagine in life is not having my children on my side.  Not having them love me and wanting to spend time with me would kill me. I have found myself making decisions for them and not me.  I don't even know if that is the right thing to do. 

For years I have chosen a " word of the year" something to strive for, think about and attempt to obtain through out the year.  This year was several words....   

> peace
>happiness
>time with friends 

I have spoken with a few friends who know exactly where I am right now because they are somewhere close to being where I am 

All I can do is pray that I make the right decisions from here on out. Ive never really lived life for me. Every job, every decision has always been for my children/family.  Its hard to learn to live for yourself.   
 
 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Not Now

I  had every intention of blogging regularly. Life has been difficult for the past year and in recent months the toughest Ive ever had to face.  Some days I feel like Ive been kicked in the stomach and words escape me.  Midlife.....  I find myself dealing with things I never expected. My heart is breaking daily. Maybe one day Ill feel like writing about it. For now....   not so much.