Tuesday, November 15, 2016

On being selfish

Is it ever ok to be selfish? 

I have spent my entire adult life thinking about everyone else. It's what I wanted and its who I am. I got married when I was 18. Shortly after our two year anniversary I learned I was expecting our first child. I quit my job when he was born, to stay home with him. Seventeen months after he was born my second child was born. Two years after that our third was born and finally four years later our fourth child was born. 

I made sacrifices. We both made sacrifices. I tried so hard to take on all the stress and responsibility. I raised the babies, taking them to the doctor, school conferences, dance practise, ball practised...etc...  I cooked, cleaned, ran a state licensed daycare and paid all the bills. If I thought my husband was stressed due to working a lot I had the kids help me clean more, cook his favorite dessert or whatever we could to make things better for him. I didnt get my nails done, waited until I absolutely had to to get a hair cut and you can forget buying clothes. I worked from home so I wore sweats that were stained and a mess. I didnt mind so much. I always wanted kids and I was blessed with them and I tried so hard to enjoy them all everyday. 

Its been difficult to watch them grow up and leave the nest. The first one was the worst so far. partly because he was the first and partly because he was leaving to become a Marine that we knew would go to war. About two years ago I decided that it was time for me to make changes. 

I was unhappy with a lot of things and I decided that I really needed to learn to take care of myself. I needed to do a few things for myself and I started with working on weight loss and getting in shape. That has been a good little while in the making and Im still working on it. As i started losing weight I HAD to buy myself some clothes. I have found a new addiction, and a love for a little fashion which is something I havent had the opportunity for before. I feel better about myself but I know there are so many other things I need to work on for me. 

I think when this happens people around you dont know what to do or how to act. They think you are being selfish because you are finally taking care of yourself by losing a lot of weight, looking better with new clothes, nails and hair. They think you are selfish because you are finally taking care of you by going to school or seeking other opportunities that might be needed. 

Am I selfish? Am i selfish because I need to sit down and decompress by blogging or checking our Instagram when i get home? Am I selfish for finally doing things for myself for once? Am I selfish for finally speaking up on how I feel about things and not putting myself on the back burner?

Can the mother of adult children,  and a middle age lady be selfish? 

Lately I find myself in situations I never imagined Id be in at this stage of my life. Its difficult but I know Im not the only one. Life is hard but Im taking a deep breath and pulling on my big girl panties and moving on.

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