Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Self Image

When you are fat (overweight) you don't want anyone to notice you. You want to blend in to the crowd and be an average person. For so many years Ive felt like an embarrassment to my husband and children. I didn't want to meet his coworkers or old friends because of what they might think about me.

I am very self conscious and have a major self image issue. It started back when I was in elementary school. I was called fat by other kids in my class (usually boys) By the time I was in middle school I was actually pretty thin and more developed than the other girls but in my brain I was fat. When I compared myself to the others I didn't realize that I looked more like a young woman and they were not there yet. I thought I was supposed to look like them. I hated myself.

My weight became an issue after having my first child. My body went through a roller coaster of things for many years. I had a baby, three months later I had emergency gal bladder surgery and they had to do it the old fashioned way (about a 5 inch cut in my abdominal area) 8 months after that I was pregnant again. Two years later I was pregnant again and four years after that I was pregnant with my last baby. I kept weight on after every baby.

Fast forward to now.......  Ive lost 50 lbs and I feel so much better even though the doctor considers me still obese.  I'm still working on losing more. At first, I still didn't want to be noticed. I had not told many about my VSG and I didn't want them asking. I still wanted to be unnoticed.  After losing 50 lbs and feeling so much better I began to wonder why no one has noticed a 50lb loss. I started thinking how shallow I must have been before when I was so self conscious about myself I thought everyone noticed my weight issue when in fact they just don't notice ME at all.

I feel invisible. I am realizing that I have so much more to work on within myself other than my weight. Losing the weight might make me feel better physically and a little bit better as far as my self image issues are concerned but it cant fix it all.

I had read that many struggle with anxiety and depression after or during weight loss and I think its finally hitting me. I wish I were not so self conscience, I wish I did not concern myself with how others see me but I simply cannot shake those thoughts and feelings. It would be nice to hear that I look good once in awhile but most people (even the ones that know about the VSG dont comment at all.)

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