On being selfish

Is it ever ok to be selfish? 

I have spent my entire adult life thinking about everyone else. It's what I wanted and its who I am. I got married when I was 18. Shortly after our two year anniversary I learned I was expecting our first child. I quit my job when he was born, to stay home with him. Seventeen months after he was born my second child was born. Two years after that our third was born and finally four years later our fourth child was born. 

I made sacrifices. We both made sacrifices. I tried so hard to take on all the stress and responsibility. I raised the babies, taking them to the doctor, school conferences, dance practise, ball practised...etc...  I cooked, cleaned, ran a state licensed daycare and paid all the bills. If I thought my husband was stressed due to working a lot I had the kids help me clean more, cook his favorite dessert or whatever we could to make things better for him. I didnt get my nails done, waited until I absolutely had to to get a hair cut and you can forget buying clothes. I worked from home so I wore sweats that were stained and a mess. I didnt mind so much. I always wanted kids and I was blessed with them and I tried so hard to enjoy them all everyday. 

Its been difficult to watch them grow up and leave the nest. The first one was the worst so far. partly because he was the first and partly because he was leaving to become a Marine that we knew would go to war. About two years ago I decided that it was time for me to make changes. 

I was unhappy with a lot of things and I decided that I really needed to learn to take care of myself. I needed to do a few things for myself and I started with working on weight loss and getting in shape. That has been a good little while in the making and Im still working on it. As i started losing weight I HAD to buy myself some clothes. I have found a new addiction, and a love for a little fashion which is something I havent had the opportunity for before. I feel better about myself but I know there are so many other things I need to work on for me. 

I think when this happens people around you dont know what to do or how to act. They think you are being selfish because you are finally taking care of yourself by losing a lot of weight, looking better with new clothes, nails and hair. They think you are selfish because you are finally taking care of you by going to school or seeking other opportunities that might be needed. 

Am I selfish? Am i selfish because I need to sit down and decompress by blogging or checking our Instagram when i get home? Am I selfish for finally doing things for myself for once? Am I selfish for finally speaking up on how I feel about things and not putting myself on the back burner?

Can the mother of adult children,  and a middle age lady be selfish? 

Lately I find myself in situations I never imagined Id be in at this stage of my life. Its difficult but I know Im not the only one. Life is hard but Im taking a deep breath and pulling on my big girl panties and moving on.

I am one of "those"

I have become one of "those" people. 

I work two jobs now. My full time job in the public school system in an Autism Classroom and 

two evenings a week I work with an Autistic teenager in his home. There is about two hours between jobs, so Ive started stopping by Starbucks and enjoying the aroma, the music and the coffee, and of course the free Wifi! 

Today I sit going back and forth from phone, to laptop in between sips of my Peppermint Mocha (a favorite of mine, next to Hazelnut coffees)  Neither are good for me and my weight loss. I had lost 84.5 pounds but when I weighed this morning as I do the 1st of every month, I had gained 2 pounds. Ive slacked on my working out for several reasons. 1) a very sick daughter 2) a very sick "me" 3) a little depression from various things going on in my life these days. 

One thing I know, is that weight loss makes you healthier, sometimes happier, and boosts your confidence but it does not fix all the mess on the inside. We all go through childhood traumas, teenage drama and situations with your own children as they grow and become their own person. In the midst of all that, we often have a jumbled up mess we need to deal with. (especially if you keep things bottled up inside like me) 

HEAVY SIGH ...... 

A few weeks ago I started a daily post on Facebook and Instagram #82daysofhappy 

in which I post something each day NO MATTER WHAT that makes me happy or that I am thankful for. Why 82 days? Well, that's how many days there were until the last day of the year. 

Ive done well with posting every day even though I have been dealing with several things which left me not so happy. It encourages me to look for something good in each day. I have tried to steer away from negative posts but I found myself posting something yesterday that seemed to catch some people's attention. I truly felt that 45 years of struggles were sitting on my chest all at once. 

I am considered middle aged now and I never thought Id go through things I am going through at this age and its hard sometimes. Last evening I received a phone call from a family member who was showing concern about my post. We went on to talk about other things and today when I was thinking about that, I realized I was shown several more things to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for family. They are usually there no matter what. Even when we live close and don't have the time to see each other, they are there when the rubber meets the road. When you really need them, they are there. Even when you cannot tell them everything that's going on in your life, you know they are there. 

Secondly, I realized there are so many things we all take for granted. 

My cousin went on a mission trip about 1.5 years ago to the Philippines. While there, he fell in love with a cute Filipino woman and he hasn't returned yet! They were married and have been doing so much paperwork to get her to the states to visit. In the mean time, my cousin is learning a while new way of life. They have no washing machines or dryers. They wash clothes in the river or go to a hand pump well  to gain access to water to wash their clothes. They climb trees for fruit to eat. They have no air conditioning in the midst of hot hot summers and when he was very sick with a severe ear infection he could not call the doctor and get an appointment that day. Its hard for us in the United States to remember that people live this way, but they do. 

In the midst of trouble and heartbreak I am thankful for family and for modern conveniences like washing machines and running water. 

Today, I am one of those people who sit in Starbucks and write about how thankful I am to have modern conveniences because just sitting here in Starbucks is a luxury.

Comparisons

 Ive lost 83.5 lbs  I would like to lose a minimum of 6 more lbs.

 My doctor wants me to lose 20lbs more!

 I am in better shape but I do have lose skin on my thighs and belly.

I hate that. If I had the funds Id most definitely have plastic surgery.

 Below is me with my favorite jeans on! Seriously 1.5 years ago they were my favorites and I wore them (tightly) all the time and now this is what they look like on me!

Heres to losing weight and gaining self confidence! 

After I meet my goals for weight loss, I will work on the inside.

My Daughter is Married

 This weekend my daughter got married at a lake in Virginia

 When she was proposed to, it hit me that I needed to make changes with "me" It may sound selfish but it was that moment when I thought about what I might look like in her wedding pictures. I made changes and walked with confidence at her wedding on Saturday.

It was a fun and emotional weekend. Proud but sad and sentimental weekend.

Theres a lot More to be Done

I have lost 79.5 lbs  Physically I feel great! I love that Im in a size 12. I like the way I look (in clothes) I dont like the loose skin on my thighs and belly.

 Yes, I am 45 years old and take lots of selfies but for two reasons: I am proud of how far I have come and I like to compare photos to see the changes.

 One thing Im learning is....  the weight loss and the outward changes do not change the inside. I still have low self esteem, I am emotional and deal with a lot of things that have nothing to do with weight.

I thought at my age I would have it all together and look and feel better about me. I thought I would always make the right decisions and would always be happy. I thought I was over a lot of things from the past and Im not. Weight loss and outward changes do not fix the inside. 

I have a lot of work to do....... still.............

Making Progress and Achieving Goals

 I have lost 75.5 lbs! Im super happy, I feel great but its still a work in progress.

I was super excited that I now fit in a size 12 (American Eagle Jeans) 

Whoop! Whoop!

 Once in awhile I treat myself to a dessert or a Starbucks coffee but for the most part I stick to my plan the majority of the time.  Lots of protein, very few carbs and sugar and as always, the water/fluid intake is a struggle but I aim for 64 oz a day.

This summer I have been working a lot of hours (more than the school year) 

but I have more confidence than Ive ever had! I am now looking in to getting a degree in Elementary Education/Special Education.  

There are always goals and way to achieve them!

Live life with no regrets!

 Above is the difference 70.5 lbs makes! 

Below is another photo of my mothers day piercing. Posted this for the reader who commented under my Mothers Day post!

Learning to like Myself

 For years Ive heard people say you will never truly be happy until you learn to love yourself. I never really understood what that meant. Throughout my weight loss journey Ive realized how I have always disliked myself and never felt good enough, never felt thin enough and never felt pretty enough. I didn't want to meet my husbands coworkers because I was fat. I didn't want to go out and do things because I was fat. Since losing a significant amount of weight I have realized I feel better, I'm happier and am not as self conscious. I have confidence! I have decided that i will no longer sit around the house doing nothing all the time. (though that is a good thing to do once in awhile)

This week I had lunch with an old friend from school. We went to elementary, Jr High and High School together! We caught up with each others lives and laughed and had so much fun. For once, I was not afraid to see an old friend or to pose for a photo. (though I did look at this and think, OMG I need a tan! )

 This week I hit a milestone in my journey! I have lost 70.5 lbs !!!!!   I am in a size 12 which is unbelievable to me!

I finally hit a point where I am happy with myself. No matter who is or isn't in my life, I'm happy with me and will go on with life enjoying it, loving it, learning more and doing more for others. I a finally happy with myself, I finally love myself no matter what. Now I understand the statement Ive heard from many people over the years.

Sharing Clothes

Last year as I started my weight loss journey my daughter was getting rid of some clothes.

I took a few things and said, "Maybe one day Ill fit in these" 

Fast forward to now....  I was cleaning out my closet and saw those things I had taken from my daughter. I tried on this dress (a large) and it fit! 

Now it fits her way more lose than this did me but it fit, and was not too tight! 

Super excited! 

I dont feel fat anymore but I do not feel skinny or small. I still feel like a big girl, I guess I always will. I want to lose 25 more pounds. I also hope I can build up my clothing supply as I do not have enough pants to wear for a full work week! 

Ive gained a few pounds back (three to be exact) and Im trying to figure out what I need to do to break this stall Ive been in for the past month! 

For now, Ill enjoy the excitement over sharing clothes with my girls! 

5 K Color Run

 One of my goals this year was to run a 5k (and run the entire thing) I didnt meet that goal but I did run about half the time. I signed up with a friend and we only had like three weeks to prepare, so I think we did pretty good.

 My family went to cheer me on, even though they could only see me start the race and finish it. All throughout the race we were sprayed with colorful powder and were covered by the end.

 I was not exhausted at the end which a big victory for me! We alternated running and walking. It was fun, and we will continue to train and sign up for another 5k in the future in hopes to eventually be able to run an entire 5k.

Monthly Update......

 I have lost 63 lbs!  I work hard at getting the fluids in but dont always meet my goal. Its a struggle to get close to 1000 calories a day but when I do, I lose more!

 In two weeks I am going to run (or run/walk) a Color Run 5K with a friend. Ive been doing the Couch to 5K and have quickly learned I am no runner!  Especially since I have asthma and its allergy season!

Still doing Refit (like Zumba) 1-2 days a week and Couch to 5K the other days.  Feeling great about the changes! I want to lose about 25 more lbs!

The struggle is real.....  you tend to trade one issue (weight) for another (loose skin and saggy boobs)

If only I had the money for a tummy tuck and a lift!

59# Down!

Im continuing the same eating patterns but trying hard to eat 1000 calories a day but that's a struggle eating that much. I started the Couch to 5k running program and have signed up for a Color Run in three weeks! I am also doing Refit (like Zumba) once a week.  Its a work in progress.

On My Way

 Ive lost 57 pounds (counting from my highest weight) I went through my closet and I have three trash bags full of clothes I can no longer wear. Its great! But at the same time, I have hardly any clothes to wear!

 Today I wore this to church. Ive never worn pants on a Sunday morning to church but I have no dresses or skirts that fit me!

Tomorrow I start Couch to 5K training. I signed up for a 5K color run for next month! I might be crazy but signing up is the push I need to make me train.I need to exercise more than I have been. 

I go to Refit once a week. Sometimes I do weights and stair stepper at home but in the past few weeks Ive been slacking. 

Ive also been pretty down about a lot of things. Generally not happy with life even though I have a pretty good life. Mid life crisis maybe??? Side effects from surgery???  I don't know. I feel great about my weight loss,  just a lot going on in my brain these days. Hoping more training and exercise and concentrating on that will help. 

TRANSFORMATION TUESDAY

 I just found the above photo on my computer and had to compare to a recent photo.  BIG changes are taking place, and it feels great! Im 56 lbs down and I have about 30 more Id like to lose!

Confession Letter to My Friends

As of this morning, Ive lost 50 lbs!!  My weight loss has been a year in the making but only now is it beginning to be noticeable (to some) Ive had a lot of people asking me questions about how I'm doing it, so today I decided to reveal all my secrets! 

One year ago in December I hit my highest weight and was completely miserable. I decided that I had to make a change. I decided to see a doctor that specializes in weight loss. I went in for monthly visits while he talked me through some changes I needed to make.  

The following are changes I made (and in this order)

• I STOPPED DRINKING SOFT DRINKS.  For me, it was better to go cold turkey. weaning myself off them was NOT an option. 
• I STARTED WORKING TOWARDS DRINKING 64OZ OF WATER A DAY. This was a challenge. Ive never drank much water. I decided that PureLife flavored waters were a good option. I purchased a bottle with times on it, so that I could stay on track and meet my daily goal. it wasn't easy, it took me weeks (more like months) 
• I STARTED EATING 5-6 TIMES A DAY! My doctor told me that skipping meals was one of the leading causes of obesity. I was notorious for not eating breakfast and sometimes lunch, then Id want to snack all evening. He told me to purchase the book, Eating for Life,  (and I did purchase it on Amazon for only a few dollars) He told me to start eating like the book teaches. I STARTED EATING 5-6 TIMES A DAY smaller meals/snacks. The book contains many awesome recipes but also teaches you how to plan out your 5-6 meals/snacks a day. 
• I STARTED EATING SMALLER PORTIONS. I no longer use a dinner plate but I use the smaller breakfast plate for every meal. I do not get seconds. 

• I STARTED EXERCISING.  This is my least favorite part of my weight loss journey! Ive never liked exercising but its an important part. I joined my local Refit class and go once a week. I started walking (if the weather cooperates) More recently I started with a little weight training and stair stepper. 
•  

Now, while doing these things I also started researching and talking with my doctor about weight loss surgeries. Most of us know someone who has had Gastric Bypass . I read up on the procedure and felt like this was NOT the option for me. I then learned about another procedure, Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. This procedure is less invasive, faster recovery time and comparable results to the bypass. There is no bypassing part of the intestines. The procedure simply makes your stomach smaller so you physically cannot eat too much. It makes it so that you can only eat small amounts at a time.  (which goes right along with the book, Eating for Life. ) I talked to my doctor about my interest in the VSG and he agreed that it would be a great TOOL for me if I stayed with the plans we were already putting in place. The thing about this procedure is ITS NOT AN EASY FIX.  You can have the surgery and eat all the wrong things,the wrong ways and gain weight.  I decided to work towards the surgery and after much medical testing (swallow test, EKG, Psychological evaluations, etc...) my insurance approved me. 

• VSG WAS SCHEDULED.  Two weeks prior to the surgery I STARTED THE LIVER SHRINKING DIET.  (Anyone can do it,  without surgery)  Week 1 was a protein shake (I used Bariatric Advantage due to more vitamins and less than 1 gram of sugar) for breakfast, then a protein snack three hours later, A protein shake for lunch, a protein snack three hours after lunch and finally a lean meat and green vegetable for dinner.  Week 2 was an all liquid diet. 5 protein shakes a day (every three hours) with only water in between.  The first three days were rough, but after that my body went into keytosis. I LOST 20 LBS IN TWO WEEKS !!!  Once you are in keytosis its important not to add sugar or carbs back into the diet. 
• NO SUGAR! NO CARBS!  
• IN NOVEMBER I HAD VSG SURGERY.  I can only eat small amounts at a time. It has not been much of an adjustment because I had already started eating 5 small meals a day months before surgery.  I was in the hospital two days (out of work for 10) The thing to remember is that this surgery is a tool and it only works if I use it as a tool and eat the right things the right ways. Currently my stomach only holds about 1/4 cup of food at a time. It will naturally stretch with time and I will be able to eat more at a time. If I do not stay on track, I can and will gain weight. 
• IT HAS TAKEN ME NEARLY A YEAR OF CHANGING HABITS BUT IVE NOW LOST 50LBS. I am not losing fast, but I'm losing steady. I go up to a month and lose nothing but I continue with my new habits. 
• I ALWAYS MAKE A PLAN.  Every day I know what my breakfast, snacks, lunch and dinner will be. If you don't have a plan, its easy to get stuck and end up making bad choices or skipping meals. 
• ITS OK TO CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS AND ANNIVERSARIES. My awesome surgeon, Dr Bovard, says to go by the book (Eating for Life) every day but for rare special occasions, its ok to enjoy something I wouldn't normally eat. After that, get back to the plan. Ive never had a doctor that I loved as much as this one! He is down to earth, explains everything, takes time with his patients and the follow up plan after surgery is great. I have met with and emailed questions to the Nutritionist on staff and she always helps me out by answering questions or looking over my food journal to make sure I'm eating correctly. 
•  
• WHAT IS MY DAILY MEAL PLAN LIKE?  Here it is.... 7:00 Protein Shake  10:00 Oikos Triple Zero Yogurt (1/2 container) 1:00 Protein Lunch (example: refried beans with ricotta cheese and salsa or sliced turkey, cheese)  4:00 protein shake  6-7 Dinner (example: Tilapia and broccoli or Baked Ricotta or any protein dinner with a little veggies)   I EAT AT LEAST 60 grams OF PROTEIN A DAY AND NO CARBS AND VERY LITTLE SUGAR. 
•  
• DID I TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT? If you read all this and think I took the easy way out then there is nothing I can do to get you to understand that this is not easy. I work daily to get the correct amount of protein, water, to keep sugar and carbs out of my diet and to do everything as Dr Bovard has taught me. 
•  
• WHY DID IT TAKE THIS LONG TO TELL EVERYONE? I told my immediate family and only a few friends that I was having VSG. The main reason was that I didn't want negativity. I didn't want to hear how you know someone who died having weight loss surgery or how you know people who gained the weight back etc...  I did my research, I chose the right surgery for me and I have done the work it requires to lose the weight. WHY AM I CONFESSING NOW? I have lost 50lbs, I feel great, I saw Dr Bovard this week for my 3 month post op visit and he said I'm doing awesome. He also said, "You need to understand that I did not do this. I gave you a tool and you are using it correctly and getting the results you wanted/needed"
•  
• CAN YOU DO ALL THESE THINGS AND GET RESULTS WITHOUT SURGERY? I have no doubt that you can do these things and lose weight. Surgery was the right thing for me. Its not the right thing for everyone. However, if you are considering weight loss surgery? I strongly suggest Bariatric Specialists of NC and specifically, Dr Bovard.  

Weight Loss Update

 I started January at 211 lbs.  today I started February at 204 lbs. I really wanted to hit my first goal of 50lbs by today but that didn't happen. I continue the same diet but the weight loss is going slow. I am now working out every day of the week but struggling with my water intake. Over the weekend I went clothes shopping and was so happy to find I'm 3 sizes down!

I'm tired of dressing in over sized frumpy clothes! I'm losing weight, feeling better and will dress accordingly! I go back in three weeks to meet with my surgeon and I really hope I lose quite a bit more by then! Id love to walk in 60lbs lower ! 

 

What I Wore Wednesday

 My photo quality is not so good this week and Ive yet to figure out the best way to participate !(since I don't own a full length mirror and I just couldn't get anyone at home to take a picture of me) So, I took my own pictures in front of my shower curtain (which looks a little busy in these photos) and in the first one, you can see part of a sweet note my husband wrote me on my mirror!

 This week, I wore this pink top which was purchased at Catos. I love the lace at the bottom of the shirt. I also wore a pink shirt underneath. I cannot remember where I got the large heart necklace but its a favorite of mine.

 As I participate in this blog hop with The Pleated Poppy Blog, not only am I sharing "what I wore" but I can also see my weight loss!

 I had on gray pants that I purchased about 6 months ago (and was never able to wear! When I purchased them, they were too small but I can wear them now!

 I had pink chevron socks along with black baby doll shoes.

2016 Weigh In

Since I began my weight loss journey one year ago.... Ive lost 38lbs.

 I have a ways to go and I'm not giving up until I meet my goal! I will try to post updates monthly and then compare in one year to see my progress. I'm learning that photos are a MUST because many times when the scale shows no loss, you see a difference in photos. 

My struggle right now.... is getting in enough fluids. My goal is 64 ounces of fluids but currently I'm getting in about half of what I need. I work towards my goal daily and will be happy when I can meet that goal without a struggle! 

My first before and after photo

The above photo is one of my "before" pictures.  It was taken about 8 months before the photo below. The photo below was take 12/19/15 and I had lost about 35lbs in that photo. Wearing leggings for the first time ever and my boots that are made for wide calves, are loose! I feel great but still have a good ways to go.

Pre Op Diet begins

This weekend was my "last meal" or shall I say "meals"  Friday night my husband and I went out to eat at my favorite place, Texas Roadhouse! I enjoyed the rolls,an appetizer, salad, baby back ribs, and a loaded baked potato. I was stuffed!  Saturday I saw that the McRib is back at McDonalds and I love those! I got one of those also. Tonight, we went to LaCocina Mexican Restaurant. Oh my goodness I ate way too much this weekend and it made me feel awful! For the past 7 months Ive changed the way I eat, Ive been taking in 64 oz of water a day and exercising. I decided to go all out this weekend since Monday (tomorrow) I start my pre op diet. 

My surgeon put me on a two week diet but since Thursday will be exactly two weeks before surgery, I decided to start the diet on Monday. 

Here's is how it will go: 

For 1.5 weeks I will have a protein shake (mixed with water) for breakfast. Three hours later a protein bar, a few hours later another shake, three hours later another protein bar. Then, for dinner I will have a lean meat (the size of the palm of my hand) and a green vegetable.

For the week before surgery I can have protein shakes only through out the day. Clear liquids only for the 24 hours before surgery. 

Tonight I will do my measurements and weight (here at home) I hope to lose 10-15 lbs while on the pre op diet to really boost my weight loss and metabolism. 

I purchased Bariatric Advantage for my protein shakes and BA bars and crisps for the snacks. In addition I purchase Isopure and soups with a lot of protein for after surgery. 

I'm excited about this new adventure. My children are not sure what to think. My youngest said my hugs wont be the same anymore once I lose weight. That made me sad but I know I'm doing this for my health, so Ill be happier with myself and live longer around my children and family. 

Ill try to blog a little about how my pre op diet is going. I'm not even sure if anyone is reading this blog. I have told very few friends about my surgery. I don't want to hear the negative comments so its better that I keep it to myself.