2017- Selfishness during Midlife

Midlife.......  

Not what I expected. 

Empty Nest ......

brings sadness, emptiness, and reflections on things of the past and future. 

I have come to realize that I had dreams in high school that were not like the typical teenager.  All I wanted was to get married, have babies (four to be exact) and own a daycare.  I did just that.  Life was not always easy but I found my happiness in my children. They were my life. 

 Most of my children are grown up. My baby girl has 1.5 years left at home and then shes gone off to college.  I realized this a few years ago and that's why I decided it was time for me.... that is why I took charge and lost weight and got healthier. I still have some to lose, and I'm not giving up. 

I have never regretted the life Ive had but now, I realize Ive lived my life for them and never really had a life of my own.  Ive had low self confidence and felt that I deserved all the bad that has ever happened to me. 

You would never know that all that is inside me when you look at the smile in my "selfies" 

Through my journey they past few years Ive gained self confidence but I battle with feelings of deserving the worst.  Most of the time I know I don't but its a battle.  I am now looking at my life trying to figure out what is next... where will 2017 take me? 

The worst thing I can imagine in life is not having my children on my side.  Not having them love me and wanting to spend time with me would kill me. I have found myself making decisions for them and not me.  I don't even know if that is the right thing to do. 

For years I have chosen a " word of the year" something to strive for, think about and attempt to obtain through out the year.  This year was several words....   

> peace
>happiness
>time with friends 

I have spoken with a few friends who know exactly where I am right now because they are somewhere close to being where I am 

All I can do is pray that I make the right decisions from here on out. Ive never really lived life for me. Every job, every decision has always been for my children/family.  Its hard to learn to live for yourself.   
 
 

On being selfish

Is it ever ok to be selfish? 

I have spent my entire adult life thinking about everyone else. It's what I wanted and its who I am. I got married when I was 18. Shortly after our two year anniversary I learned I was expecting our first child. I quit my job when he was born, to stay home with him. Seventeen months after he was born my second child was born. Two years after that our third was born and finally four years later our fourth child was born. 

I made sacrifices. We both made sacrifices. I tried so hard to take on all the stress and responsibility. I raised the babies, taking them to the doctor, school conferences, dance practise, ball practised...etc...  I cooked, cleaned, ran a state licensed daycare and paid all the bills. If I thought my husband was stressed due to working a lot I had the kids help me clean more, cook his favorite dessert or whatever we could to make things better for him. I didnt get my nails done, waited until I absolutely had to to get a hair cut and you can forget buying clothes. I worked from home so I wore sweats that were stained and a mess. I didnt mind so much. I always wanted kids and I was blessed with them and I tried so hard to enjoy them all everyday. 

Its been difficult to watch them grow up and leave the nest. The first one was the worst so far. partly because he was the first and partly because he was leaving to become a Marine that we knew would go to war. About two years ago I decided that it was time for me to make changes. 

I was unhappy with a lot of things and I decided that I really needed to learn to take care of myself. I needed to do a few things for myself and I started with working on weight loss and getting in shape. That has been a good little while in the making and Im still working on it. As i started losing weight I HAD to buy myself some clothes. I have found a new addiction, and a love for a little fashion which is something I havent had the opportunity for before. I feel better about myself but I know there are so many other things I need to work on for me. 

I think when this happens people around you dont know what to do or how to act. They think you are being selfish because you are finally taking care of yourself by losing a lot of weight, looking better with new clothes, nails and hair. They think you are selfish because you are finally taking care of you by going to school or seeking other opportunities that might be needed. 

Am I selfish? Am i selfish because I need to sit down and decompress by blogging or checking our Instagram when i get home? Am I selfish for finally doing things for myself for once? Am I selfish for finally speaking up on how I feel about things and not putting myself on the back burner?

Can the mother of adult children,  and a middle age lady be selfish? 

Lately I find myself in situations I never imagined Id be in at this stage of my life. Its difficult but I know Im not the only one. Life is hard but Im taking a deep breath and pulling on my big girl panties and moving on.