2017- Selfishness during Midlife

Midlife.......  

Not what I expected. 

Empty Nest ......

brings sadness, emptiness, and reflections on things of the past and future. 

I have come to realize that I had dreams in high school that were not like the typical teenager.  All I wanted was to get married, have babies (four to be exact) and own a daycare.  I did just that.  Life was not always easy but I found my happiness in my children. They were my life. 

 Most of my children are grown up. My baby girl has 1.5 years left at home and then shes gone off to college.  I realized this a few years ago and that's why I decided it was time for me.... that is why I took charge and lost weight and got healthier. I still have some to lose, and I'm not giving up. 

I have never regretted the life Ive had but now, I realize Ive lived my life for them and never really had a life of my own.  Ive had low self confidence and felt that I deserved all the bad that has ever happened to me. 

You would never know that all that is inside me when you look at the smile in my "selfies" 

Through my journey they past few years Ive gained self confidence but I battle with feelings of deserving the worst.  Most of the time I know I don't but its a battle.  I am now looking at my life trying to figure out what is next... where will 2017 take me? 

The worst thing I can imagine in life is not having my children on my side.  Not having them love me and wanting to spend time with me would kill me. I have found myself making decisions for them and not me.  I don't even know if that is the right thing to do. 

For years I have chosen a " word of the year" something to strive for, think about and attempt to obtain through out the year.  This year was several words....   

> peace
>happiness
>time with friends 

I have spoken with a few friends who know exactly where I am right now because they are somewhere close to being where I am 

All I can do is pray that I make the right decisions from here on out. Ive never really lived life for me. Every job, every decision has always been for my children/family.  Its hard to learn to live for yourself.   
 
 

Making Progress and Achieving Goals

 I have lost 75.5 lbs! Im super happy, I feel great but its still a work in progress.

I was super excited that I now fit in a size 12 (American Eagle Jeans) 

Whoop! Whoop!

 Once in awhile I treat myself to a dessert or a Starbucks coffee but for the most part I stick to my plan the majority of the time.  Lots of protein, very few carbs and sugar and as always, the water/fluid intake is a struggle but I aim for 64 oz a day.

This summer I have been working a lot of hours (more than the school year) 

but I have more confidence than Ive ever had! I am now looking in to getting a degree in Elementary Education/Special Education.  

There are always goals and way to achieve them!

5 K Color Run

 One of my goals this year was to run a 5k (and run the entire thing) I didnt meet that goal but I did run about half the time. I signed up with a friend and we only had like three weeks to prepare, so I think we did pretty good.

 My family went to cheer me on, even though they could only see me start the race and finish it. All throughout the race we were sprayed with colorful powder and were covered by the end.

 I was not exhausted at the end which a big victory for me! We alternated running and walking. It was fun, and we will continue to train and sign up for another 5k in the future in hopes to eventually be able to run an entire 5k.

Goals and Struggles

I am 5 months post op.  

My hair is falling out. This is common when you lose weight rapidly. I mostly notice the hair falling out when Im in the shower. I hope this is going to stop soon. I take Biotin daily to help with hair regrowth.  

I still struggle with vitamin intake. I hate the taste of chewables and I cannot take large pills. I will keep searching until I find the right one for me. 

I have been working on the Couch to 5K program. I am no runner! But Ive been working hard at running/walking and building up my stamina. Saturday I will be in a Color Run with a friend. I know I wont run the whole thing but I hope to run more than I walk! 

I also do Refit (like Zumba) once a week. Exercise is something NEW to me. Ive never liked it much but its growing on me. 

I struggle to get enough calories in.... my goal is 1,000 calories a day. Today was the first day that I got in 1,000 calories. 

I have 25 more lbs to lose. Im in another stall. Stalls are frustrating but it happens and most times your body is changing in other ways when it isnt losing pounds. 

I am more confident now, I dont feel fat anymore but I need to meet my goal to lose a total of 89 lbs. 

I wanted to blog about more than weight loss but my life has been so crazy and work is so busy I havnt had the energy to blog about anything else.

On My Way

 Ive lost 57 pounds (counting from my highest weight) I went through my closet and I have three trash bags full of clothes I can no longer wear. Its great! But at the same time, I have hardly any clothes to wear!

 Today I wore this to church. Ive never worn pants on a Sunday morning to church but I have no dresses or skirts that fit me!

Tomorrow I start Couch to 5K training. I signed up for a 5K color run for next month! I might be crazy but signing up is the push I need to make me train.I need to exercise more than I have been. 

I go to Refit once a week. Sometimes I do weights and stair stepper at home but in the past few weeks Ive been slacking. 

Ive also been pretty down about a lot of things. Generally not happy with life even though I have a pretty good life. Mid life crisis maybe??? Side effects from surgery???  I don't know. I feel great about my weight loss,  just a lot going on in my brain these days. Hoping more training and exercise and concentrating on that will help. 

Goals

Ive known for some time that I am a person who must have a goal to work towards. If i dont, I feel useless. Of course like most of us I get busy with life and forget these things. I took a few days off work and have been trying to rest mentally and get myself back on track with a goal or two to work towards. 

I need to spend less time online on the weekends, be better at cooking dinner and cleaning the house, be consistent when it comes to my weight loss plan, and remember to pray about all things especially my job. I have been in this job for less than a year and when I took it I felt certain God had placed me there. Now, I wonder WHY? Sometimes we are placed in a place for a short time and other times we are placed there forever. I just dont know Gods plan for me right now and Im very frustrated at the changes and expectations for me there.  All I can do is pray, "Lord, show me the way" 

Now that I know what I must work on, Ill work towards setting a realistic goal in each area. 

What are your goals?