2017- Selfishness during Midlife

Midlife.......  

Not what I expected. 

Empty Nest ......

brings sadness, emptiness, and reflections on things of the past and future. 

I have come to realize that I had dreams in high school that were not like the typical teenager.  All I wanted was to get married, have babies (four to be exact) and own a daycare.  I did just that.  Life was not always easy but I found my happiness in my children. They were my life. 

 Most of my children are grown up. My baby girl has 1.5 years left at home and then shes gone off to college.  I realized this a few years ago and that's why I decided it was time for me.... that is why I took charge and lost weight and got healthier. I still have some to lose, and I'm not giving up. 

I have never regretted the life Ive had but now, I realize Ive lived my life for them and never really had a life of my own.  Ive had low self confidence and felt that I deserved all the bad that has ever happened to me. 

You would never know that all that is inside me when you look at the smile in my "selfies" 

Through my journey they past few years Ive gained self confidence but I battle with feelings of deserving the worst.  Most of the time I know I don't but its a battle.  I am now looking at my life trying to figure out what is next... where will 2017 take me? 

The worst thing I can imagine in life is not having my children on my side.  Not having them love me and wanting to spend time with me would kill me. I have found myself making decisions for them and not me.  I don't even know if that is the right thing to do. 

For years I have chosen a " word of the year" something to strive for, think about and attempt to obtain through out the year.  This year was several words....   

> peace
>happiness
>time with friends 

I have spoken with a few friends who know exactly where I am right now because they are somewhere close to being where I am 

All I can do is pray that I make the right decisions from here on out. Ive never really lived life for me. Every job, every decision has always been for my children/family.  Its hard to learn to live for yourself.   
 
 

On being selfish

Is it ever ok to be selfish? 

I have spent my entire adult life thinking about everyone else. It's what I wanted and its who I am. I got married when I was 18. Shortly after our two year anniversary I learned I was expecting our first child. I quit my job when he was born, to stay home with him. Seventeen months after he was born my second child was born. Two years after that our third was born and finally four years later our fourth child was born. 

I made sacrifices. We both made sacrifices. I tried so hard to take on all the stress and responsibility. I raised the babies, taking them to the doctor, school conferences, dance practise, ball practised...etc...  I cooked, cleaned, ran a state licensed daycare and paid all the bills. If I thought my husband was stressed due to working a lot I had the kids help me clean more, cook his favorite dessert or whatever we could to make things better for him. I didnt get my nails done, waited until I absolutely had to to get a hair cut and you can forget buying clothes. I worked from home so I wore sweats that were stained and a mess. I didnt mind so much. I always wanted kids and I was blessed with them and I tried so hard to enjoy them all everyday. 

Its been difficult to watch them grow up and leave the nest. The first one was the worst so far. partly because he was the first and partly because he was leaving to become a Marine that we knew would go to war. About two years ago I decided that it was time for me to make changes. 

I was unhappy with a lot of things and I decided that I really needed to learn to take care of myself. I needed to do a few things for myself and I started with working on weight loss and getting in shape. That has been a good little while in the making and Im still working on it. As i started losing weight I HAD to buy myself some clothes. I have found a new addiction, and a love for a little fashion which is something I havent had the opportunity for before. I feel better about myself but I know there are so many other things I need to work on for me. 

I think when this happens people around you dont know what to do or how to act. They think you are being selfish because you are finally taking care of yourself by losing a lot of weight, looking better with new clothes, nails and hair. They think you are selfish because you are finally taking care of you by going to school or seeking other opportunities that might be needed. 

Am I selfish? Am i selfish because I need to sit down and decompress by blogging or checking our Instagram when i get home? Am I selfish for finally doing things for myself for once? Am I selfish for finally speaking up on how I feel about things and not putting myself on the back burner?

Can the mother of adult children,  and a middle age lady be selfish? 

Lately I find myself in situations I never imagined Id be in at this stage of my life. Its difficult but I know Im not the only one. Life is hard but Im taking a deep breath and pulling on my big girl panties and moving on.

I am one of "those"

I have become one of "those" people. 

I work two jobs now. My full time job in the public school system in an Autism Classroom and 

two evenings a week I work with an Autistic teenager in his home. There is about two hours between jobs, so Ive started stopping by Starbucks and enjoying the aroma, the music and the coffee, and of course the free Wifi! 

Today I sit going back and forth from phone, to laptop in between sips of my Peppermint Mocha (a favorite of mine, next to Hazelnut coffees)  Neither are good for me and my weight loss. I had lost 84.5 pounds but when I weighed this morning as I do the 1st of every month, I had gained 2 pounds. Ive slacked on my working out for several reasons. 1) a very sick daughter 2) a very sick "me" 3) a little depression from various things going on in my life these days. 

One thing I know, is that weight loss makes you healthier, sometimes happier, and boosts your confidence but it does not fix all the mess on the inside. We all go through childhood traumas, teenage drama and situations with your own children as they grow and become their own person. In the midst of all that, we often have a jumbled up mess we need to deal with. (especially if you keep things bottled up inside like me) 

HEAVY SIGH ...... 

A few weeks ago I started a daily post on Facebook and Instagram #82daysofhappy 

in which I post something each day NO MATTER WHAT that makes me happy or that I am thankful for. Why 82 days? Well, that's how many days there were until the last day of the year. 

Ive done well with posting every day even though I have been dealing with several things which left me not so happy. It encourages me to look for something good in each day. I have tried to steer away from negative posts but I found myself posting something yesterday that seemed to catch some people's attention. I truly felt that 45 years of struggles were sitting on my chest all at once. 

I am considered middle aged now and I never thought Id go through things I am going through at this age and its hard sometimes. Last evening I received a phone call from a family member who was showing concern about my post. We went on to talk about other things and today when I was thinking about that, I realized I was shown several more things to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for family. They are usually there no matter what. Even when we live close and don't have the time to see each other, they are there when the rubber meets the road. When you really need them, they are there. Even when you cannot tell them everything that's going on in your life, you know they are there. 

Secondly, I realized there are so many things we all take for granted. 

My cousin went on a mission trip about 1.5 years ago to the Philippines. While there, he fell in love with a cute Filipino woman and he hasn't returned yet! They were married and have been doing so much paperwork to get her to the states to visit. In the mean time, my cousin is learning a while new way of life. They have no washing machines or dryers. They wash clothes in the river or go to a hand pump well  to gain access to water to wash their clothes. They climb trees for fruit to eat. They have no air conditioning in the midst of hot hot summers and when he was very sick with a severe ear infection he could not call the doctor and get an appointment that day. Its hard for us in the United States to remember that people live this way, but they do. 

In the midst of trouble and heartbreak I am thankful for family and for modern conveniences like washing machines and running water. 

Today, I am one of those people who sit in Starbucks and write about how thankful I am to have modern conveniences because just sitting here in Starbucks is a luxury.

On My Way

 Ive lost 57 pounds (counting from my highest weight) I went through my closet and I have three trash bags full of clothes I can no longer wear. Its great! But at the same time, I have hardly any clothes to wear!

 Today I wore this to church. Ive never worn pants on a Sunday morning to church but I have no dresses or skirts that fit me!

Tomorrow I start Couch to 5K training. I signed up for a 5K color run for next month! I might be crazy but signing up is the push I need to make me train.I need to exercise more than I have been. 

I go to Refit once a week. Sometimes I do weights and stair stepper at home but in the past few weeks Ive been slacking. 

Ive also been pretty down about a lot of things. Generally not happy with life even though I have a pretty good life. Mid life crisis maybe??? Side effects from surgery???  I don't know. I feel great about my weight loss,  just a lot going on in my brain these days. Hoping more training and exercise and concentrating on that will help.