I am one of "those"

I have become one of "those" people. 

I work two jobs now. My full time job in the public school system in an Autism Classroom and 

two evenings a week I work with an Autistic teenager in his home. There is about two hours between jobs, so Ive started stopping by Starbucks and enjoying the aroma, the music and the coffee, and of course the free Wifi! 

Today I sit going back and forth from phone, to laptop in between sips of my Peppermint Mocha (a favorite of mine, next to Hazelnut coffees)  Neither are good for me and my weight loss. I had lost 84.5 pounds but when I weighed this morning as I do the 1st of every month, I had gained 2 pounds. Ive slacked on my working out for several reasons. 1) a very sick daughter 2) a very sick "me" 3) a little depression from various things going on in my life these days. 

One thing I know, is that weight loss makes you healthier, sometimes happier, and boosts your confidence but it does not fix all the mess on the inside. We all go through childhood traumas, teenage drama and situations with your own children as they grow and become their own person. In the midst of all that, we often have a jumbled up mess we need to deal with. (especially if you keep things bottled up inside like me) 

HEAVY SIGH ...... 

A few weeks ago I started a daily post on Facebook and Instagram #82daysofhappy 

in which I post something each day NO MATTER WHAT that makes me happy or that I am thankful for. Why 82 days? Well, that's how many days there were until the last day of the year. 

Ive done well with posting every day even though I have been dealing with several things which left me not so happy. It encourages me to look for something good in each day. I have tried to steer away from negative posts but I found myself posting something yesterday that seemed to catch some people's attention. I truly felt that 45 years of struggles were sitting on my chest all at once. 

I am considered middle aged now and I never thought Id go through things I am going through at this age and its hard sometimes. Last evening I received a phone call from a family member who was showing concern about my post. We went on to talk about other things and today when I was thinking about that, I realized I was shown several more things to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for family. They are usually there no matter what. Even when we live close and don't have the time to see each other, they are there when the rubber meets the road. When you really need them, they are there. Even when you cannot tell them everything that's going on in your life, you know they are there. 

Secondly, I realized there are so many things we all take for granted. 

My cousin went on a mission trip about 1.5 years ago to the Philippines. While there, he fell in love with a cute Filipino woman and he hasn't returned yet! They were married and have been doing so much paperwork to get her to the states to visit. In the mean time, my cousin is learning a while new way of life. They have no washing machines or dryers. They wash clothes in the river or go to a hand pump well  to gain access to water to wash their clothes. They climb trees for fruit to eat. They have no air conditioning in the midst of hot hot summers and when he was very sick with a severe ear infection he could not call the doctor and get an appointment that day. Its hard for us in the United States to remember that people live this way, but they do. 

In the midst of trouble and heartbreak I am thankful for family and for modern conveniences like washing machines and running water. 

Today, I am one of those people who sit in Starbucks and write about how thankful I am to have modern conveniences because just sitting here in Starbucks is a luxury.

Learning to like Myself

 For years Ive heard people say you will never truly be happy until you learn to love yourself. I never really understood what that meant. Throughout my weight loss journey Ive realized how I have always disliked myself and never felt good enough, never felt thin enough and never felt pretty enough. I didn't want to meet my husbands coworkers because I was fat. I didn't want to go out and do things because I was fat. Since losing a significant amount of weight I have realized I feel better, I'm happier and am not as self conscious. I have confidence! I have decided that i will no longer sit around the house doing nothing all the time. (though that is a good thing to do once in awhile)

This week I had lunch with an old friend from school. We went to elementary, Jr High and High School together! We caught up with each others lives and laughed and had so much fun. For once, I was not afraid to see an old friend or to pose for a photo. (though I did look at this and think, OMG I need a tan! )

 This week I hit a milestone in my journey! I have lost 70.5 lbs !!!!!   I am in a size 12 which is unbelievable to me!

I finally hit a point where I am happy with myself. No matter who is or isn't in my life, I'm happy with me and will go on with life enjoying it, loving it, learning more and doing more for others. I a finally happy with myself, I finally love myself no matter what. Now I understand the statement Ive heard from many people over the years.

On My Way

 Ive lost 57 pounds (counting from my highest weight) I went through my closet and I have three trash bags full of clothes I can no longer wear. Its great! But at the same time, I have hardly any clothes to wear!

 Today I wore this to church. Ive never worn pants on a Sunday morning to church but I have no dresses or skirts that fit me!

Tomorrow I start Couch to 5K training. I signed up for a 5K color run for next month! I might be crazy but signing up is the push I need to make me train.I need to exercise more than I have been. 

I go to Refit once a week. Sometimes I do weights and stair stepper at home but in the past few weeks Ive been slacking. 

Ive also been pretty down about a lot of things. Generally not happy with life even though I have a pretty good life. Mid life crisis maybe??? Side effects from surgery???  I don't know. I feel great about my weight loss,  just a lot going on in my brain these days. Hoping more training and exercise and concentrating on that will help. 

Life has a way...........

Life has a way of getting you down sometimes. 

I dont want to ask, "What else can happen?" because it surely will! 

We lived without water for two days this week. We finally discovered that the wiring to our well had broke in half. It cost a few hundred dollars and a lot of work (and a day off) for my husband. Thankfully, we were able to walk over to the inlaws house and take showers. 

We went to a new dentist recently and was told my youngest had 16 cavities and her new braces needed to be removed for all the work to be done. This would cost thousands of dollars. I opted for a second opinion. My husband had to take another day off and he took her to the Orthodontist to have the wire removed (not all braces) then to a new dentist for the exam and back to the Orthodontist to have the wire put back on. The second opinion? She has NO cavities between her teeth! She has two on molars and can be taken care of with the braces on. Thankful that I had common sense enough to go for a second opinion. 

Its been over 100 degrees for weeks and I have had little to no air in my truck. You do what you have to do right?

As for my weight loss journey.....  Ive been excited about this for three months and with everything else beating me down I guess it was time for me to come off my high.... I looked at myself and thought, "why is it taking surgery for you to lose weight and keep it off resulting in better health?"  

Right now Im tired physically and emotionally, Im stressed about finances, health and work issues. Im just worn down and need a break, a vacation just time off from LIFE.

Everyone is talking about it

Everyone is talking about Robin Williams and suicide. Many say its a selfish act. I say that most of the time people have held on for their families and suffered a long time before they make such a sad choice. Its not "killing themselves" that they are thinking about, its ending the pain, the bottomless feeling that they cannot shake; its just wanting peace. You cant tell them to "snap out of it"  because they want nothing more, its just a cycle they cant break. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't condone it. Its just so sad for those left behind and even more sad to think of the pain that person was dealing with when they finally decided this was the only way to stop it. 

Depression, Bi Polar Disorder and suicide affect us all. Last year my youngest child took part in a dance/drama production to raise money and awareness for suicide prevention/awareness. That made me so very proud. It shouldn't take our favorite actor dying for us to be aware because I am certain that every person has someone close to them who has thought, attempted or knows someone who has committed suicide. 

Robin Williams was one of my most favorite actors. The first time I remember him was in Mork and Mindy. Man, I loved that show! He has made so many laugh. He has supported our troops, and has always seemed like such and all around good person. Its so unfortunate that he is gone and left loved ones behind who mourn his loss. I have been in tears myself over the last few days because after watching him in so many movies, TV shows etc.. you just feel like you know him. 

When the news stops talking about his death, please don't forget that countless others are suffering just as he did.