Learning to like Myself

 For years Ive heard people say you will never truly be happy until you learn to love yourself. I never really understood what that meant. Throughout my weight loss journey Ive realized how I have always disliked myself and never felt good enough, never felt thin enough and never felt pretty enough. I didn't want to meet my husbands coworkers because I was fat. I didn't want to go out and do things because I was fat. Since losing a significant amount of weight I have realized I feel better, I'm happier and am not as self conscious. I have confidence! I have decided that i will no longer sit around the house doing nothing all the time. (though that is a good thing to do once in awhile)

This week I had lunch with an old friend from school. We went to elementary, Jr High and High School together! We caught up with each others lives and laughed and had so much fun. For once, I was not afraid to see an old friend or to pose for a photo. (though I did look at this and think, OMG I need a tan! )

 This week I hit a milestone in my journey! I have lost 70.5 lbs !!!!!   I am in a size 12 which is unbelievable to me!

I finally hit a point where I am happy with myself. No matter who is or isn't in my life, I'm happy with me and will go on with life enjoying it, loving it, learning more and doing more for others. I a finally happy with myself, I finally love myself no matter what. Now I understand the statement Ive heard from many people over the years.

Everything is the Same Except the Numbers on the Scale

Life has been moving on in recent weeks. I work full time in an elementary classroom with Autistic children. The end of the school year was busy and hectic. As all things do, it came to an end last week. I had hoped to have a position with the same children over the summer but that did not work out. I cannot afford to stay home all summer without pay so Im actively seeking a summer job and actively stressing!

I never expected weight loss to fix everything in my life. I just wanted to be healthier, feel better and look better. I have now lost 69.5 lbs and my weight loss is slow and becoming more of a challenge. I work out three times a week at a gym with a trainer. My eating has changed a bit and I need to concentrate more on getting in my protein and keeping sugar out of my diet. I also need to make sure I get the fluids in.

Here I sit, often thinking that maybe I did expect things to be a bit better with the weight loss. Everything is still the same (except the numbers on the scale)  I still look in the mirror and most days I still see a fat person. I still am not happy with myself and I realize that weight loss didnt change relationships around me. Everything is still the same, except the numbers on the scale.

I still have anxiety. I still have depression. I still struggle with my self image.

When you lose the weight you often find other problems. I dont like the loose skin on my thighs, or under my chin. I still stress over bills

Everything is the same except the numbers on the scale.

2016 Weigh In

Since I began my weight loss journey one year ago.... Ive lost 38lbs.

 I have a ways to go and I'm not giving up until I meet my goal! I will try to post updates monthly and then compare in one year to see my progress. I'm learning that photos are a MUST because many times when the scale shows no loss, you see a difference in photos. 

My struggle right now.... is getting in enough fluids. My goal is 64 ounces of fluids but currently I'm getting in about half of what I need. I work towards my goal daily and will be happy when I can meet that goal without a struggle! 

My Butterfly Theory

Butterflies are beautiful insects created by God. There are various types of butterflies but each go through four stages to have a complete metamorphosis. The four stages are as follows: The egg, Larva, Chrysalis and finally the adult butterfly.  Each state is critical to the final development of a beautiful butterfly.

As a teacher, I have enjoyed sharing with children the metamorphosis of the butterfly. We read books (my favorite is The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle but of course there are more detailed and more educational books as well) We view charts but most importantly we watch them develop from Larva to butterfly. 

I purchased my caterpillars online and they were shipped  with food included. We added the caterpillar to a box covered in netting and we observe them eating, spinning their cocoon and finally we watch them emerge. They hang upside down and move their wings while they dry and then they are ready to be released. 

Here is the most important thing Ive learned from that experience. No matter how much they seem to struggle, never help them escape their cocoon. You see, every part of the process is helping them develop. Once, a friend of mine was teaching her children about the complete metamorphosis of the butterfly and one of them seemed to struggle more than the others. She helped the little butterfly and this proved disastrous! The little butterfly's wings dried too early which ultimately left it deformed and unable to live on its on outside of its protective netting home. 

This was such a revelation to me! The more I thought about this poor butterfly the more I realized that we, as humans are much like the butterfly. We often dont understand why we must endure pain and hardships. We often shake our fists at God and ask why? We dont understand why he wont just help us get through these struggles we face on Earth with ease or why he allows this pain in the first place. The answer is simple. The struggles we face prepare us for the life ahead. If he did it for us  then we would not be equipped  face this life  just as the butterfly my friend assisted, was not able to live out its future unassisted. 

The struggles we face prepare us for the future. The struggles we face are also a witness to those around us. People who face similar things will look at us and know that if we were able to get through it, then surely they can too. We can and should use what we have learned through our struggles to educate and support those around us. Surely we are not alone, God is with us all the way but he cannot shelter us from these struggles and hardships.

No matter what, always remember my Butterfly Theory. God cannot reach down and remove our struggles and hardships because we will not be strong enough to face our future if he did. These hardships and pain we face are all for a greater purpose, and many times we may never see that purpose but its always there.