If I didnt laugh..............

 Today was "wear your Christmas Pajamas to work day" and I bought these cute pants just for the occasion . I should have had an easy morning since I didn't have to put a lot of effort in to getting dressed. I ran behind anyway and had a terrible headache (shooting pains right at my temple that id had for two days) before leaving I decided to use some peppermint oil to help with the pain but I got that in my eye!

 I was "crying" due to the oil as I ran to the car and then ran back inside in search of my glasses. Then I left again. For a very brief moment I stopped to admire and take a quick picture of this super moon! Sometimes you just need to stop and enjoy a moment.

 I headed on to work and got stuck in traffic due to a terrible accident. The whole road was blocked and I was sent on a detour that was opposite of where i wanted to be. Then I panicked because I was about to run out of gas! I made it to a gas station just in time only to stand outside in my pajamas pumping gas~!  I made it to work 30 minutes late.

Above I snapped a shot of me as I was about to head in to the grocery store IN PAJAMAS! Something I got all over one of my daughters for years ago and told her "we don't do that" and look at me..... what a day, what a week, what a freakin year its been! If I didn't laugh, Id cry. Not just any cry but an UGLY cry.

On Being A Mother

 As far back as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mother. 

I wanted someone to love me and I wanted someone to love. 

I wanted to get married, have babies and raise them. I wanted to teach other children and love them.

 The few photos I have of me as a child I had a baby doll in my arms

or I was caring for my little sister.  I learned how to be a mother from my daddy, my aunts, and my grandmother.

One thing I will never regret is taking part in raising my little sister, having and raising my own four children and taking part in caring for so many other children along the way. 

The one thing I never knew, was how hard it would be to let them go. 

I never understood how hard it would be to say goodbye to my children as they started their own lives and didn't have time to call their Mom. 

I didn't know how hard it would be to be a mother. 

I didn't know how difficult it would be to make decisions for them or for myself that would make them angry at me or that might hurt them temporarily. 

I didn't know how painful it would be to me to see them hurt. 

I didn't know. Had I known, I wouldn't have changed anything. 

Ive loved being a caretaker, a mother and a sister. 

What is life teaching me (you)

Life is not always sunshine and daisies. Life is hard. Life hurts. Life is confusing. Life is painful. Once in awhile the sun shines through the rain and a daisy or two might pop up. 

My childhood was not the average way of growing up. There were times when it just was what it was and I moved along with it. There were times I looked at the lives of friends at school and wondered why I couldn't have that. 

I grew up being raised with a single dad. My sister and I were 3 and 1 when the journey with our 22 year old daddy began. I look at my son who is 24 and cannot imagine him raising two little girls alone. Even though my son has fought twice in Afghanistan, watched friends die, friends lose limbs and upon returning watch many many of those he fought along side of end their own lives because they cant take life anymore. He has lived a lifetime that most of us cannot imagine all in six years of being a Marine. 

When I was a little girl I remember sitting at my grandmas house in the "middle room"  of her house watching a news show about orphanages in Romania. It grabbed my heart, as a child, it struck a chord deep inside me. I still remember the sound of one little girl in that show singing in a room full of metal baby cribs. It was a room full of babies in cribs where none of them cried. How can that be? Because those babies learned quickly that crying didn't change anything. Whether you cried or didn't cry no one came to comfort you so they learned to be silent. How hard breaking. 

In 2006 I traveled with a church group to Romania to work with visually impaired orphans. During that trip I learned that THIS was one of the reasons I grew up the way I did. I spoke with an interpreter to a group of orphans and told them I knew how they felt. As a young  American girl I was also abandoned by my mother. It was a different situation as I didn't grown up in an orphanage but I felt some of the emotions that they felt and I let them know they were not alone, that I understand the feelings but that I loved them and God loves them and they have a purpose in life. 

Now I sit on my red couch on a rainy day as my daughter lies in bed very very sick typing on my computer wondering..... the pain I'm feeling right now,  what will I learn through this.  I'm feeling alot right now that I cannot talk about. Most of my kids are grown  with my youngest having only 1.5 years left in school (and at home) and Ive lived for the past 25 years for my kids.... now what? 

Ive been working on me lately....  Ive lost 83.5 lbs and I'm gaining self confidence. At the same time I'm having to deal with a lot of other things..... I'm afraid that life is taking me to a place I never imagined.  As my children grow up they are learning that their parents are people too. We are different than they thought we were. I worry about what they feel and yet for the first time in my life I feel I need to work on me... inside and out.   I need to figure out what these obstacles are going to teach me.

 

Making Progress and Achieving Goals

 I have lost 75.5 lbs! Im super happy, I feel great but its still a work in progress.

I was super excited that I now fit in a size 12 (American Eagle Jeans) 

Whoop! Whoop!

 Once in awhile I treat myself to a dessert or a Starbucks coffee but for the most part I stick to my plan the majority of the time.  Lots of protein, very few carbs and sugar and as always, the water/fluid intake is a struggle but I aim for 64 oz a day.

This summer I have been working a lot of hours (more than the school year) 

but I have more confidence than Ive ever had! I am now looking in to getting a degree in Elementary Education/Special Education.  

There are always goals and way to achieve them!

Life has a way...........

Life has a way of getting you down sometimes. 

I dont want to ask, "What else can happen?" because it surely will! 

We lived without water for two days this week. We finally discovered that the wiring to our well had broke in half. It cost a few hundred dollars and a lot of work (and a day off) for my husband. Thankfully, we were able to walk over to the inlaws house and take showers. 

We went to a new dentist recently and was told my youngest had 16 cavities and her new braces needed to be removed for all the work to be done. This would cost thousands of dollars. I opted for a second opinion. My husband had to take another day off and he took her to the Orthodontist to have the wire removed (not all braces) then to a new dentist for the exam and back to the Orthodontist to have the wire put back on. The second opinion? She has NO cavities between her teeth! She has two on molars and can be taken care of with the braces on. Thankful that I had common sense enough to go for a second opinion. 

Its been over 100 degrees for weeks and I have had little to no air in my truck. You do what you have to do right?

As for my weight loss journey.....  Ive been excited about this for three months and with everything else beating me down I guess it was time for me to come off my high.... I looked at myself and thought, "why is it taking surgery for you to lose weight and keep it off resulting in better health?"  

Right now Im tired physically and emotionally, Im stressed about finances, health and work issues. Im just worn down and need a break, a vacation just time off from LIFE.

Spring Lists and Embracing Life

Spring is here! I'm loving the warmer weather and I'm making a lot of lists for spring cleaning. 
The chickens love the warm weather. Ive removed the plastic from their window so they can enjoy the lovely spring breeze. 

Baby Girl will get the second half of her root canal over Spring Break. At the same time, we are preparing for our Future Doctor's senior prom! Its an exciting time! Our Marine will return in a few weeks and then it will be time for my third child's graduation. 

So many things are happening, awesome things! Sometimes it just leaves my head spinning that we have so much happening but its all good. 

I'm excited to have a spring break of my own and my list is growing! Lots of cleaning and decor changes. 

Ive started watching the series "Parenthood" and it makes me contemplate so much about life.
Life has a way of changing  us, humbling us and making us see the world in a new light. 
This happens so much on a daily basis in these recent years of my life. Its amazing.

For the first time in while I feel I'm embracing life in a new way and I'm content with life and everything around me. 

 

Thinking

In my small town we have suffered great heartache in recent months. Five people have lost their lives (four of which were in car accidents) These were men and women in their 20's - 30's who were mothers/fathers, husbands/wives and beloved family members. Last night as I was driving home I saw yet another accident where someone had to be extrapolated from a vehicle and life flighted to a hospital. I don't know who that person is but it seems so overwhelming that this many young men and women would leave this Earth all too soon. Children are left with no father or mother and spouses are left with no husband or wife to help raise the children.

While accidents happen all the time it seems an overwhelming amount in our little town. As I thought about this last night I came to the conclusion that we should all see this as a message. Life is short, and we all have our time approaching as every day passes. We never know from moment to moment if we will be the next one to leave this Earth.

If you knew that today was your last day on the Earth, what would you do?

Would you work one more day? (I think not) Would you send one more text message? Would you clean the house one last time?

Or

Would you love your children and spend more time with them? Would you tell your husband or wife how much you love them? Would you pray more and make sure that your life is right with Jesus?

 I believe in heave and hell. I believe all our days are numbered and life is short and we should first and foremost make sure that we are living the life Jesus would want us to and secondly love our children and spouses, love your parents and never stop telling them and showing them for today might be your last opportunity.

My Butterfly Theory

Butterflies are beautiful insects created by God. There are various types of butterflies but each go through four stages to have a complete metamorphosis. The four stages are as follows: The egg, Larva, Chrysalis and finally the adult butterfly.  Each state is critical to the final development of a beautiful butterfly.

As a teacher, I have enjoyed sharing with children the metamorphosis of the butterfly. We read books (my favorite is The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle but of course there are more detailed and more educational books as well) We view charts but most importantly we watch them develop from Larva to butterfly. 

I purchased my caterpillars online and they were shipped  with food included. We added the caterpillar to a box covered in netting and we observe them eating, spinning their cocoon and finally we watch them emerge. They hang upside down and move their wings while they dry and then they are ready to be released. 

Here is the most important thing Ive learned from that experience. No matter how much they seem to struggle, never help them escape their cocoon. You see, every part of the process is helping them develop. Once, a friend of mine was teaching her children about the complete metamorphosis of the butterfly and one of them seemed to struggle more than the others. She helped the little butterfly and this proved disastrous! The little butterfly's wings dried too early which ultimately left it deformed and unable to live on its on outside of its protective netting home. 

This was such a revelation to me! The more I thought about this poor butterfly the more I realized that we, as humans are much like the butterfly. We often dont understand why we must endure pain and hardships. We often shake our fists at God and ask why? We dont understand why he wont just help us get through these struggles we face on Earth with ease or why he allows this pain in the first place. The answer is simple. The struggles we face prepare us for the life ahead. If he did it for us  then we would not be equipped  face this life  just as the butterfly my friend assisted, was not able to live out its future unassisted. 

The struggles we face prepare us for the future. The struggles we face are also a witness to those around us. People who face similar things will look at us and know that if we were able to get through it, then surely they can too. We can and should use what we have learned through our struggles to educate and support those around us. Surely we are not alone, God is with us all the way but he cannot shelter us from these struggles and hardships.

No matter what, always remember my Butterfly Theory. God cannot reach down and remove our struggles and hardships because we will not be strong enough to face our future if he did. These hardships and pain we face are all for a greater purpose, and many times we may never see that purpose but its always there.

Too Much about Chickens?

It appears Ive turned this blog into nothing more than a Chicken Blog! I really feel like Ive lost any inspiration on writing about anything else. As you have probably noticed, I am trying to not blog about too many personal things.

These days my life consists of chickens, work til 6 pm every day, and due to the hot and humid weather and the fact that I stay outside so much during the work day I'm drained when I get home.
I fix dinner and go to sleep.

I started on a protein shake diet. Replacing two meals (breakfast and lunch) with shakes and having two protein snacks in between. Supper is usually whatever I want but in small amount. (using a breakfast plate rather than a dinner plate) I feel good about all this.

Ive been feeling a lot of pressure on my chest. Not sure if its my breathing in of the hot and humid weather, anxiety or if its another health issue.

You see, I seem to have a pretty boring life these days, thus the lack of/loss of writing inspiration! 

Peace and Contentment

 I don't have a cellphone right now. I sold it because we needed the money. Im sure Ill get another one later but for now, Im disconnected. Right now I miss my phone (from time to time) but in other ways Im less stressed, Im relaxed, and content.

 Sometimes I think about how life would be if I didn't own anything and life were more simple. I think about how life would be if I weren't so stressed about conforming to what everyone expects. I think about owning a beautiful home with the perfect amount of decorations and my home looking like those in magazines. Most of the time, I just want to be comfortable. Most of the time, I just want my children happy and comfortable and not embarrassed about where they live.

Once in awhile I think about how life would be if I were able to walk away from all my belongings and just live without cell phones and computers. How would life be if I could just enjoy the beauty all around me. Listening to running rivers and the waves in the ocean, watching as flowers and grass wave in the wind and enjoying every moment.

Staring at a stack of bills working lots of hours, being exhausted, stressing over who might stop by and what they will think when they see that we have no "Real" floor in our living room but just pressed wood particles, that we have unfinished walls and parts of our floor that needs replacing.

I crave peace and tranquility.

Peace. Peace like a river in my soul.......