Growing Up Fast

If you are reading this and you are a long time follower you know about my childhood a little but Im going to touch on that a bit for those who read and don't know. I am not saying anything to hurt anyone. This was just my life. 

I was born to teenage parents. My dad graduated high school and went to work. My mother quit school and later got a GED. My dad worked long hours trying to provide for our family. When I was 3 my sister was born. By the time she was one, my parents separated and my dad became a single father at the age of 22. My grandmother, and my two aunts helped raise us. My dad did a lot but when he was working we spent time with those three special ladies. 

Summers at my grandma's house were spent running outside bare footed, exploring the woods, creeks, walking along railroad tracks, riding bikes to the store to buy candy, and making homemade cinnamon toothpicks! With my daddy we watched movies, sat on the porch watching the rain, and chased each other through the house shooting disc guns at each other hiding behind furniture.

At home with my daddy, I became a mother to my sister. I helped get her ready for school, bathe her at night, I learned to cook at an early age and eventually my dad would drop me off at the grocery store with his credit card and I learned how to buy groceries for the family for the week. I grew up fast and was always more mature than other children my age. 

For most of my childhood I lived day to day knowing that this was just my life. Sometimes I longed to have a mother like some of the friends in school who had mother's who volunteered a lot at school. 

It took me many years to use my childhood to identify with others in similar situations and see that maybe this is why I had to go through some things. 

Growing up fast can be a blessing and a curse... you just need to concentrate on what you learned through the hard times and how you can use it to help others. I think that my childhood is another reason I chose a career working with children. 

Im back!

When I was in school and even when my children were young, we were encouraged to journal. We didn't have to have a topic, just free journaling. Just write what is on your mind without stopping. Let the creative juices flow, express yourself, don't worry about proper grammar and punctuation.... just write.  (I always had to use proper grammar and punctuation though...) 

I have always enjoyed creative writing. I enjoy various kinds of poetry. It does my soul good to now watch two of my children enjoy the same things. 

I started a blog some years ago. I didn't care if anyone read it because I just enjoyed writing. I gained quite a few followers and earned a little cash from ads. One day I just decided I was done. I was empty. No thoughts to journal and less time. My once thriving blog "Fried Green Tomatoes and Sweet Tea" came to an end. Eventually I started this blog but couldn't get into it that much. Posts have been few and far between. 

Today as I thought about the emptiness and the struggles I'm facing now..... I missed those times of free journaling I decided to once again write (hopefully regularly) in this blog. If only one person reads and identifies with anything I write then, maybe it will help someone to not feel as alone as I do. 

Lookout BLOGGER LAND Im back! 

Comparisons

 Ive lost 83.5 lbs  I would like to lose a minimum of 6 more lbs.

 My doctor wants me to lose 20lbs more!

 I am in better shape but I do have lose skin on my thighs and belly.

I hate that. If I had the funds Id most definitely have plastic surgery.

 Below is me with my favorite jeans on! Seriously 1.5 years ago they were my favorites and I wore them (tightly) all the time and now this is what they look like on me!

Heres to losing weight and gaining self confidence! 

After I meet my goals for weight loss, I will work on the inside.

What is life teaching me (you)

Life is not always sunshine and daisies. Life is hard. Life hurts. Life is confusing. Life is painful. Once in awhile the sun shines through the rain and a daisy or two might pop up. 

My childhood was not the average way of growing up. There were times when it just was what it was and I moved along with it. There were times I looked at the lives of friends at school and wondered why I couldn't have that. 

I grew up being raised with a single dad. My sister and I were 3 and 1 when the journey with our 22 year old daddy began. I look at my son who is 24 and cannot imagine him raising two little girls alone. Even though my son has fought twice in Afghanistan, watched friends die, friends lose limbs and upon returning watch many many of those he fought along side of end their own lives because they cant take life anymore. He has lived a lifetime that most of us cannot imagine all in six years of being a Marine. 

When I was a little girl I remember sitting at my grandmas house in the "middle room"  of her house watching a news show about orphanages in Romania. It grabbed my heart, as a child, it struck a chord deep inside me. I still remember the sound of one little girl in that show singing in a room full of metal baby cribs. It was a room full of babies in cribs where none of them cried. How can that be? Because those babies learned quickly that crying didn't change anything. Whether you cried or didn't cry no one came to comfort you so they learned to be silent. How hard breaking. 

In 2006 I traveled with a church group to Romania to work with visually impaired orphans. During that trip I learned that THIS was one of the reasons I grew up the way I did. I spoke with an interpreter to a group of orphans and told them I knew how they felt. As a young  American girl I was also abandoned by my mother. It was a different situation as I didn't grown up in an orphanage but I felt some of the emotions that they felt and I let them know they were not alone, that I understand the feelings but that I loved them and God loves them and they have a purpose in life. 

Now I sit on my red couch on a rainy day as my daughter lies in bed very very sick typing on my computer wondering..... the pain I'm feeling right now,  what will I learn through this.  I'm feeling alot right now that I cannot talk about. Most of my kids are grown  with my youngest having only 1.5 years left in school (and at home) and Ive lived for the past 25 years for my kids.... now what? 

Ive been working on me lately....  Ive lost 83.5 lbs and I'm gaining self confidence. At the same time I'm having to deal with a lot of other things..... I'm afraid that life is taking me to a place I never imagined.  As my children grow up they are learning that their parents are people too. We are different than they thought we were. I worry about what they feel and yet for the first time in my life I feel I need to work on me... inside and out.   I need to figure out what these obstacles are going to teach me.

 

Heirlooms

 This precious baby above is my little southern bell. The bonnet she wore on her dedication day (above) is the hankie I carried on my wedding day 27 years ago. Last weekend, she carried that same hankie on her wedding day.

 She also wore the veil I wore on my wedding day. What special memories were made this weekend. I love this beautiful girl and its hard watching her grow up.

One day I hope I have a granddaughter that carries this hankie on her wedding day.

My Daughter is Married

 This weekend my daughter got married at a lake in Virginia

 When she was proposed to, it hit me that I needed to make changes with "me" It may sound selfish but it was that moment when I thought about what I might look like in her wedding pictures. I made changes and walked with confidence at her wedding on Saturday.

It was a fun and emotional weekend. Proud but sad and sentimental weekend.

Theres a lot More to be Done

I have lost 79.5 lbs  Physically I feel great! I love that Im in a size 12. I like the way I look (in clothes) I dont like the loose skin on my thighs and belly.

 Yes, I am 45 years old and take lots of selfies but for two reasons: I am proud of how far I have come and I like to compare photos to see the changes.

 One thing Im learning is....  the weight loss and the outward changes do not change the inside. I still have low self esteem, I am emotional and deal with a lot of things that have nothing to do with weight.

I thought at my age I would have it all together and look and feel better about me. I thought I would always make the right decisions and would always be happy. I thought I was over a lot of things from the past and Im not. Weight loss and outward changes do not fix the inside. 

I have a lot of work to do....... still.............

Making Progress and Achieving Goals

 I have lost 75.5 lbs! Im super happy, I feel great but its still a work in progress.

I was super excited that I now fit in a size 12 (American Eagle Jeans) 

Whoop! Whoop!

 Once in awhile I treat myself to a dessert or a Starbucks coffee but for the most part I stick to my plan the majority of the time.  Lots of protein, very few carbs and sugar and as always, the water/fluid intake is a struggle but I aim for 64 oz a day.

This summer I have been working a lot of hours (more than the school year) 

but I have more confidence than Ive ever had! I am now looking in to getting a degree in Elementary Education/Special Education.  

There are always goals and way to achieve them!

No One Tells You

No one tells you how hard it is when your children grow up and leave the nest. My son moved away a few weeks ago. I cant take a long ride and visit him on a day trip anymore. While I am so thankful he is no longer in Afghanistan and he is no longer an active duty Marine, because I know he is safer now. I still miss him so much. I miss the time when our family is all together, laughing about old times. My oldest daughter lives a grown up life of working, paying bills and will soon say "I do" in a beautiful wedding ceremony. I am so proud of my children but my heart aches for the family togetherness. I still have two at home, but one of those will soon graduate from Cosmetology school and begin a full time job. (who knows how long Ill have her at home) and the baby has two years until she graduates high school.

While on our mini vacation recently I asked them, who will I take photos of when you two are gone? They laughed and said "the dogs or the chickens" somehow that isn't the same.

This part of life is so tough on us Mamas.  I just feel lost.

Tea with the Bride to Be

 My oldest daughter is getting married in a few weeks. 

We had a tea party bridal shower brunch.

 We set up tables in my mother in laws front yard, we used our china tea cups and saucers, we had home made scones, muffins and a yogurt bar.

 My daughter and my sister made home made soaps for the guests to take home as a gift. Notes attached said, "From my shower to yours"

 Many of us chose to wear fancy hats. Above is my beautiful blushing bride (daughter)

 We played a few games but mostly we enjoyed flavored hot teas and coffee and the yummy food before showering her with needed household items.

It was so much fun! We are thinking about having another one just for the fun of it!

Live life with no regrets!

 Above is the difference 70.5 lbs makes! 

Below is another photo of my mothers day piercing. Posted this for the reader who commented under my Mothers Day post!

Learning to like Myself

 For years Ive heard people say you will never truly be happy until you learn to love yourself. I never really understood what that meant. Throughout my weight loss journey Ive realized how I have always disliked myself and never felt good enough, never felt thin enough and never felt pretty enough. I didn't want to meet my husbands coworkers because I was fat. I didn't want to go out and do things because I was fat. Since losing a significant amount of weight I have realized I feel better, I'm happier and am not as self conscious. I have confidence! I have decided that i will no longer sit around the house doing nothing all the time. (though that is a good thing to do once in awhile)

This week I had lunch with an old friend from school. We went to elementary, Jr High and High School together! We caught up with each others lives and laughed and had so much fun. For once, I was not afraid to see an old friend or to pose for a photo. (though I did look at this and think, OMG I need a tan! )

 This week I hit a milestone in my journey! I have lost 70.5 lbs !!!!!   I am in a size 12 which is unbelievable to me!

I finally hit a point where I am happy with myself. No matter who is or isn't in my life, I'm happy with me and will go on with life enjoying it, loving it, learning more and doing more for others. I a finally happy with myself, I finally love myself no matter what. Now I understand the statement Ive heard from many people over the years.

Piercings

 On Mothers Day my girls took me to get my nose pierced! I had thought about it over the past few months and decided, why not?  It was a fun day and didn't hurt but a moment. I like it!

Everything is the Same Except the Numbers on the Scale

Life has been moving on in recent weeks. I work full time in an elementary classroom with Autistic children. The end of the school year was busy and hectic. As all things do, it came to an end last week. I had hoped to have a position with the same children over the summer but that did not work out. I cannot afford to stay home all summer without pay so Im actively seeking a summer job and actively stressing!

I never expected weight loss to fix everything in my life. I just wanted to be healthier, feel better and look better. I have now lost 69.5 lbs and my weight loss is slow and becoming more of a challenge. I work out three times a week at a gym with a trainer. My eating has changed a bit and I need to concentrate more on getting in my protein and keeping sugar out of my diet. I also need to make sure I get the fluids in.

Here I sit, often thinking that maybe I did expect things to be a bit better with the weight loss. Everything is still the same (except the numbers on the scale)  I still look in the mirror and most days I still see a fat person. I still am not happy with myself and I realize that weight loss didnt change relationships around me. Everything is still the same, except the numbers on the scale.

I still have anxiety. I still have depression. I still struggle with my self image.

When you lose the weight you often find other problems. I dont like the loose skin on my thighs, or under my chin. I still stress over bills

Everything is the same except the numbers on the scale.

I'm a Groupie (aka Following Noah Guthrie)

 A few years ago I heard a new and upcoming artist on the radio. He started his career on You Tube! I listened to an interview and then heard him sing and that's when I was hooked! He has an unbelievable voice! I listened to Noah Guthrie on youtube. Since I liked his facebook page I see when shows are coming up and imagine my excitement to see he would be singing at the Midtown Music Festival in Raleigh (an hour from me)

 I was in heaven hearing him sing for an hour and half and then meeting him, having photos taken and purchasing a t shirt and CD. Two of my girls went with us. I was an awesome evening!

If you have never listened to Noah Guthrie sing, you must do it now!

Check out his youtube channel Only1Noah