Self Image

When you are fat (overweight) you don't want anyone to notice you. You want to blend in to the crowd and be an average person. For so many years Ive felt like an embarrassment to my husband and children. I didn't want to meet his coworkers or old friends because of what they might think about me.

I am very self conscious and have a major self image issue. It started back when I was in elementary school. I was called fat by other kids in my class (usually boys) By the time I was in middle school I was actually pretty thin and more developed than the other girls but in my brain I was fat. When I compared myself to the others I didn't realize that I looked more like a young woman and they were not there yet. I thought I was supposed to look like them. I hated myself.

My weight became an issue after having my first child. My body went through a roller coaster of things for many years. I had a baby, three months later I had emergency gal bladder surgery and they had to do it the old fashioned way (about a 5 inch cut in my abdominal area) 8 months after that I was pregnant again. Two years later I was pregnant again and four years after that I was pregnant with my last baby. I kept weight on after every baby.

Fast forward to now.......  Ive lost 50 lbs and I feel so much better even though the doctor considers me still obese.  I'm still working on losing more. At first, I still didn't want to be noticed. I had not told many about my VSG and I didn't want them asking. I still wanted to be unnoticed.  After losing 50 lbs and feeling so much better I began to wonder why no one has noticed a 50lb loss. I started thinking how shallow I must have been before when I was so self conscious about myself I thought everyone noticed my weight issue when in fact they just don't notice ME at all.

I feel invisible. I am realizing that I have so much more to work on within myself other than my weight. Losing the weight might make me feel better physically and a little bit better as far as my self image issues are concerned but it cant fix it all.

I had read that many struggle with anxiety and depression after or during weight loss and I think its finally hitting me. I wish I were not so self conscience, I wish I did not concern myself with how others see me but I simply cannot shake those thoughts and feelings. It would be nice to hear that I look good once in awhile but most people (even the ones that know about the VSG dont comment at all.)

Worst Week Ever

This has been one tough week. Valentines started off with me rushing my husband to the ER with kidney stones. A few days later our beloved Lucky ran into a truck driving past our house and was killed. My daughter was at home sick that day (it was pretty traumatic for her) A few days after that the man who hit Lucky stopped by to "apologize once again" but then said he wants $250 for damages to his truck.

I cant explain how devastated we are. We rescued him when he was 2 days old, bottle fed him every 2 hours day and night and he was the best dog. We were more attached to him than any of our other dogs. Our hearts are empty. I just want him back.

Confession Letter to My Friends

As of this morning, Ive lost 50 lbs!!  My weight loss has been a year in the making but only now is it beginning to be noticeable (to some) Ive had a lot of people asking me questions about how I'm doing it, so today I decided to reveal all my secrets! 

One year ago in December I hit my highest weight and was completely miserable. I decided that I had to make a change. I decided to see a doctor that specializes in weight loss. I went in for monthly visits while he talked me through some changes I needed to make.  

The following are changes I made (and in this order)

• I STOPPED DRINKING SOFT DRINKS.  For me, it was better to go cold turkey. weaning myself off them was NOT an option. 
• I STARTED WORKING TOWARDS DRINKING 64OZ OF WATER A DAY. This was a challenge. Ive never drank much water. I decided that PureLife flavored waters were a good option. I purchased a bottle with times on it, so that I could stay on track and meet my daily goal. it wasn't easy, it took me weeks (more like months) 
• I STARTED EATING 5-6 TIMES A DAY! My doctor told me that skipping meals was one of the leading causes of obesity. I was notorious for not eating breakfast and sometimes lunch, then Id want to snack all evening. He told me to purchase the book, Eating for Life,  (and I did purchase it on Amazon for only a few dollars) He told me to start eating like the book teaches. I STARTED EATING 5-6 TIMES A DAY smaller meals/snacks. The book contains many awesome recipes but also teaches you how to plan out your 5-6 meals/snacks a day. 
• I STARTED EATING SMALLER PORTIONS. I no longer use a dinner plate but I use the smaller breakfast plate for every meal. I do not get seconds. 

• I STARTED EXERCISING.  This is my least favorite part of my weight loss journey! Ive never liked exercising but its an important part. I joined my local Refit class and go once a week. I started walking (if the weather cooperates) More recently I started with a little weight training and stair stepper. 
•  

Now, while doing these things I also started researching and talking with my doctor about weight loss surgeries. Most of us know someone who has had Gastric Bypass . I read up on the procedure and felt like this was NOT the option for me. I then learned about another procedure, Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. This procedure is less invasive, faster recovery time and comparable results to the bypass. There is no bypassing part of the intestines. The procedure simply makes your stomach smaller so you physically cannot eat too much. It makes it so that you can only eat small amounts at a time.  (which goes right along with the book, Eating for Life. ) I talked to my doctor about my interest in the VSG and he agreed that it would be a great TOOL for me if I stayed with the plans we were already putting in place. The thing about this procedure is ITS NOT AN EASY FIX.  You can have the surgery and eat all the wrong things,the wrong ways and gain weight.  I decided to work towards the surgery and after much medical testing (swallow test, EKG, Psychological evaluations, etc...) my insurance approved me. 

• VSG WAS SCHEDULED.  Two weeks prior to the surgery I STARTED THE LIVER SHRINKING DIET.  (Anyone can do it,  without surgery)  Week 1 was a protein shake (I used Bariatric Advantage due to more vitamins and less than 1 gram of sugar) for breakfast, then a protein snack three hours later, A protein shake for lunch, a protein snack three hours after lunch and finally a lean meat and green vegetable for dinner.  Week 2 was an all liquid diet. 5 protein shakes a day (every three hours) with only water in between.  The first three days were rough, but after that my body went into keytosis. I LOST 20 LBS IN TWO WEEKS !!!  Once you are in keytosis its important not to add sugar or carbs back into the diet. 
• NO SUGAR! NO CARBS!  
• IN NOVEMBER I HAD VSG SURGERY.  I can only eat small amounts at a time. It has not been much of an adjustment because I had already started eating 5 small meals a day months before surgery.  I was in the hospital two days (out of work for 10) The thing to remember is that this surgery is a tool and it only works if I use it as a tool and eat the right things the right ways. Currently my stomach only holds about 1/4 cup of food at a time. It will naturally stretch with time and I will be able to eat more at a time. If I do not stay on track, I can and will gain weight. 
• IT HAS TAKEN ME NEARLY A YEAR OF CHANGING HABITS BUT IVE NOW LOST 50LBS. I am not losing fast, but I'm losing steady. I go up to a month and lose nothing but I continue with my new habits. 
• I ALWAYS MAKE A PLAN.  Every day I know what my breakfast, snacks, lunch and dinner will be. If you don't have a plan, its easy to get stuck and end up making bad choices or skipping meals. 
• ITS OK TO CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS AND ANNIVERSARIES. My awesome surgeon, Dr Bovard, says to go by the book (Eating for Life) every day but for rare special occasions, its ok to enjoy something I wouldn't normally eat. After that, get back to the plan. Ive never had a doctor that I loved as much as this one! He is down to earth, explains everything, takes time with his patients and the follow up plan after surgery is great. I have met with and emailed questions to the Nutritionist on staff and she always helps me out by answering questions or looking over my food journal to make sure I'm eating correctly. 
•  
• WHAT IS MY DAILY MEAL PLAN LIKE?  Here it is.... 7:00 Protein Shake  10:00 Oikos Triple Zero Yogurt (1/2 container) 1:00 Protein Lunch (example: refried beans with ricotta cheese and salsa or sliced turkey, cheese)  4:00 protein shake  6-7 Dinner (example: Tilapia and broccoli or Baked Ricotta or any protein dinner with a little veggies)   I EAT AT LEAST 60 grams OF PROTEIN A DAY AND NO CARBS AND VERY LITTLE SUGAR. 
•  
• DID I TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT? If you read all this and think I took the easy way out then there is nothing I can do to get you to understand that this is not easy. I work daily to get the correct amount of protein, water, to keep sugar and carbs out of my diet and to do everything as Dr Bovard has taught me. 
•  
• WHY DID IT TAKE THIS LONG TO TELL EVERYONE? I told my immediate family and only a few friends that I was having VSG. The main reason was that I didn't want negativity. I didn't want to hear how you know someone who died having weight loss surgery or how you know people who gained the weight back etc...  I did my research, I chose the right surgery for me and I have done the work it requires to lose the weight. WHY AM I CONFESSING NOW? I have lost 50lbs, I feel great, I saw Dr Bovard this week for my 3 month post op visit and he said I'm doing awesome. He also said, "You need to understand that I did not do this. I gave you a tool and you are using it correctly and getting the results you wanted/needed"
•  
• CAN YOU DO ALL THESE THINGS AND GET RESULTS WITHOUT SURGERY? I have no doubt that you can do these things and lose weight. Surgery was the right thing for me. Its not the right thing for everyone. However, if you are considering weight loss surgery? I strongly suggest Bariatric Specialists of NC and specifically, Dr Bovard.  

Second Date of the Year

The second date of the year was a movie night at home complete with snacks. The night did not go as planned due to the DVD being messed up and unwatchable. Then I chose something on Netflix and it was the dumbest movie Ive ever watched! The snacks were good and at least we got a good laugh out of the night. 

February brings two more dates for the year! 

Weight Loss Update

 I started January at 211 lbs.  today I started February at 204 lbs. I really wanted to hit my first goal of 50lbs by today but that didn't happen. I continue the same diet but the weight loss is going slow. I am now working out every day of the week but struggling with my water intake. Over the weekend I went clothes shopping and was so happy to find I'm 3 sizes down!

I'm tired of dressing in over sized frumpy clothes! I'm losing weight, feeling better and will dress accordingly! I go back in three weeks to meet with my surgeon and I really hope I lose quite a bit more by then! Id love to walk in 60lbs lower ! 

 

The last 5 days in pictures......... Wordless Wednesday

Its Wordless Wednesday.... (Check it out HERE)

24 Dates

 For Christmas I gave my husband 24 envelopes sealed and tied with string. Inside are 24 date night ideas. Two per month. Each month there are date nights of things to do around the house and date nights away from the house.  Our first envelope was "Movie Night" and included at $20 gift card to our local theater. 

We had Date 1 last night!

This is not the best picture of us but he took the "selfie" before we left. 

Of course  I look at this and notice...... 

I have collar bones! 

Side note: movie theaters need to carry snacks and drinks that weight loss patients can have! I cant have candy (sugar) or popcorn and I cannot have carbonated drinks! I had no snacks and the hubbie had popcorn and Pepsi. 

Typical Day

If you read the book, "Eating for life" by Bill Phillips, you will understand that you should eat 5-6 times a day. (smaller amounts) 
The book gives amazing recipes that I starting using before VSG and everyone in my house loved the recipes! Here is an example of a typical day in meals for me. 

 6:00am     hot tea or coffee with Splenda (no sugar) 

7:00 am     Protein Shake (preferably Bariatric Advantage brand as it has so much more vitamins and minerals that our bodies need) 

10:00 am  Triple Zero yogurt or cottage cheese 

1:00pm      Fat Free Re fried Beans or Chili with light amounts of meat

4:00pm       Protein Shake

6 or 7pm     Ricotta Bake (I have to share that recipe soon) 

Somewhere in between all of this I fit in my fluid intake. I usually drink Propel or Diet Peach Tea (Lipton) or Power Aid Zero

 Anything I consume is 1/4 cup or less. 

When I started on my Pre Op Diet the first three days were awful! I was constantly hungry. After three days my hunger went away and I had to make myself drink the shakes because I didn't want anything. I lost 15 lbs in two weeks on my pre op diet. Is it possible to lose weight without surgery? Absolutely! But I know me, and I knew that if I lost a lot Id feel I could cheat here and there and ultimately I'd gain it back. VSG was the right thing for me but, I still have to eat the right things! (forever)  

I will also say that here I am 8 weeks out doing all the same things and now involving some weight training and I went four weeks without losing anything and Ive now lost a total of 41lbs. I spoke with my Nutritionist and she looked at my diet and said Im doing it all right! It is typical to have weight stalls and during these stalls our bodies are often changing in other ways (such as losing inches and not pounds) Therefor I will now start measuring regular in other areas not just on the scale. (I did measure before surgery but Ive misplaced that list so I have nothing to compare with) 

Why I havent told many friends and family

When I made the decision to speak to a local surgeon to see if I qualified for a VSG, I only talked to my husband and children about it. After my first appointment with the surgeon, I knew that should qualify for the surgery based on my comorbidities and BMI. At that time I talked to my parents and my sister about my decision. I decided that those were the only people who needed to know. I knew that there are conflicting thoughts on weight loss surgeries and I didnt want to hear everyone's opinions. I didnt want to hear all the negative stories about how they knew other people who had the surgery and either they died or they gained all their weight back. 

My insurance required things like...  a swollow test, psychiatric evaluation, chest x-rays, EKG , and 6 monthly weight check visits with a physician. It took six months to get it all done. I enjoyed the monthly visits with my surgeon as he guided me on a path of health and healthier ways to eat. 

I made a goal, then once I completed that goal, Id move to the next. My first goal was to stop drinking sodas. (specifically Dr Pepper) Once I did that, I worked on drinking more water with a goal of 64 oz a day. My surgeon also told me about the book, Eating to Live, which gives very good, healthy and easy recipes and a plan to eat 5-6 times a day (smaller meals) to get your metabolism moving. 

When I got closer to surgery I decided to tell a few more family members. Most people were good about it but I did face a few of the questions I wanted to avoid. Such as....
If you have lost some weight over the last few months, why dont you just keep doing that and not have the surgery?  Arent you afraid it will shorten your life? Then there were the stories like....  I know two people who have gained all their weight back after having surgery and then losing the weight, or, I know someone who died a year after surgery. 

THATS WHY I DIDNT WANT TO TELL ANYONE! 

I didnt want or need to hear negative stories. I have considered surgery for years and finally hit my point where I knew I needed to do something. I hit my all time highest weight and hated myself and felt miserable. 

Here I am six weeks after surgery and I still have not told many. No one at work knows what kind of surgery I had when I took 5 days off of work. My facebook friends have started asking how I lost weight. I sent private message to a few and their reaction was , "isnt that a bit extreme" and "oh, ok"  as if I took the easy way out. 

THATS WHY I STILL DONT WANT TO TELL PEOPLE!

This route was anything but easy. I went through a lot of testing which cost a good amount of money. I had to begin changing the way I ate months before surgery. Surgery was not the hardest thing Ive ever been through but it was far from easy. I was sore, I vomited every time I drank anything for two days after having five incisions on my belly.  I have had to learn a new way of eating... slow. I cant drink 30 minutes before a meal or 30 minutes after. I should take 30 minutes to eat each meal and currently my stomach can only hold 1/4 cup at a time. Its a life change. I can never go back to old habits like eating a huge bowl of ice cream for dinner or drinking Dr Peppers all day. 

People can be so negative and non supportive. Dont get me wrong, many family members have been supportive but there are those out there who havent been. Im totally ok with my decision. Im glad that I had the surgery and Im still learning how my new stomach works and what I need to do to continue the weight loss. I am happy and already feel healthier and look forward to this year, the year of many more changes. 

I will decide as time goes on if I will tell others about the surgery or if I will tell them of all the other things I'm doing to lose weight... such as no soda, no sugar, no carbs, 64 oz of water and a lot of protein, and drastically smaller portions! Don't forget the exercise!

Reaching Out Beyond Our Own Walls

 For years my Uncle has been involved with a ministry to the homeless. I thought it was a great thing but didn't think twice about it. In recent months it has been on my heart to get involved but I didn't put the extra effort into it. I don't know why, because years ago I read a book titled, "Trolls and Truth" about a ministry to the homeless in Texas and it was so inspiring that I wanted to one day travel to Texas to visit their Church Under the Bridge. So, why did I put off helping a similar ministry in the town I grew up in? I don't know, but as it began to grow in my heart recently it was even stronger in my youngest daughter's heart. She started asking to help and wanted our family to do this together and so I knew it was time to step out of our comfort zone and help others.

 Saturday we drove to Durham and asked how we could help. We unloaded lots and lots of coats and placed handwritten notes inside the pockets that said, "You are loved"  We organized tables of winter clothes, hats, gloves and scarves and so much more. We set up chairs for church service. The bus drove to the homeless shelter and picked up anyone wanted to come.

 We sat among the people and enjoyed praise and worship and  a short sermon followed by passing out of Bibles, warm coats, hats and gloves and served them a hot meal.

 I watched as my youngest daughter walked up to strangers and offered them hats, gloves and scarves. Something so out of her comfort zone and yet she seemed so at peace with what she was doing.

 I watched a little girl pick up the rabbit fur coat that we donated and it was a perfect fit. She was beaming when she found it. My heart was full.

 After the service, several were given an opportunity to share songs. They were so happy to sing and to have someone listen to them.

 One of the most amazing thins was the many who came to be ministered to but offered to help in any way they could. The gentleman in the wheelchair asked for help in finding a coat that fit him better. I handed him a coat as he tried it on and it fit. He then offered to help organize or put things out for others.

 This man ate the food on his plate and returned to thank those who served him.

This post is not to "toot my own horn" and brag about what I did. This post is to ask you to reach outside your own walls and help those in need. We went to help the needy but in so many ways these people taught us and ministered to us so much more. I cant wait until next month when we can spend our day with these people again.  In the mean time, I will think about other items that I can collect that will help them and pray that God would show us the way and open doors to minister to others.

What I Wore Wednesday

 My photo quality is not so good this week and Ive yet to figure out the best way to participate !(since I don't own a full length mirror and I just couldn't get anyone at home to take a picture of me) So, I took my own pictures in front of my shower curtain (which looks a little busy in these photos) and in the first one, you can see part of a sweet note my husband wrote me on my mirror!

 This week, I wore this pink top which was purchased at Catos. I love the lace at the bottom of the shirt. I also wore a pink shirt underneath. I cannot remember where I got the large heart necklace but its a favorite of mine.

 As I participate in this blog hop with The Pleated Poppy Blog, not only am I sharing "what I wore" but I can also see my weight loss!

 I had on gray pants that I purchased about 6 months ago (and was never able to wear! When I purchased them, they were too small but I can wear them now!

 I had pink chevron socks along with black baby doll shoes.

Meatless Chili (with Lentils)

For a long time I have heard about THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF LENTILS but I confess, Ive never cooked or eaten them. Since beginning this weight loss journey, I have been looking up new and healthy recipes to try. Tonight I made Lentil Chili.

I soaked dry lentils in water over night and then cooked them on low in my crockpot all day while I was at work.  When I got home, I added a large can of tomato sauce, a can of diced tomatoes with green chilis, a chili seasoning packet and some dried onion flakes. I let it cook in the crockpot for about 20 minutes.

We ate this with a LITTLE brown rice, some cheddar cheese and a small amount of sour cream.

You must try it and don't forget to read about the BENEFITS OF LENTILS! We will be eating more of these in our house.

Ups and Downs

I'm finding there are many ups and downs on this journey I'm on (and I don't mean on the scale) This past week I went back to work after a two week Christmas break. I felt great during the Christmas break but this past week Ive been exhausted. The exhaustion increased through out the week and by Friday I felt like i could barely get through the day. I wasnt sure if it was stress, getting used to being back at work, or lack of nutrition (as my bariatric vitamins had not arrived yet and I was only taking vitamin B complex and two Flintstones a day) or if it was a combination of all of it. I couldn't wait to sleep in Saturday! When I woke up Saturday morning I had a large cold sore breakout on both top and bottom lips (worse than Ive had in years) I get them when I'm stressed, sick or in a lot of sun.   I still don't know what the cause of the exhaustion is, I'm inclined to believe its the lack of nutrition. Thankfully, my Bariatric Advantage protein shake and my vitamins arrived Friday so I'm taking in all of those which will help considerably with my nutrition. 

Its Sunday, and I'm still exhausted and do not want to go out of the house with the way my mouth looks! I'm also wondering if I need to stay home from work to get extra rest or if I should push through. 

I'm feeling a bit down. My weight has stalled for the past 4 weeks, now I'm sick and I'm super stressed about how Ill get through the summer months (since my full time job is only 10 months out of the year) I have a lot of things going through my head this weekend.

As I sit on my couch this morning I was reminded that God is in control. I must have faith and pray for guidance and have faith that he will meet our needs.

Where is the snow? I need a snow day!  I need an unexpected day off. On snow days we lay around in our PJs and I make homemade hot cocoa and usually bake. (oops! that reminds me, that our oven stopped working this weekend so there will be no baking for a good little while. At least the stove top works)

What I Wore

 Just for fun I decided to take part in the blog hop, "What I Wore" For years Ive glanced over the photos but being raised by a man, Ive never been very fashion conscious. Not to mention I always felt too fat to even try to be fashionable! Since losing nearly 40 lbs (and thats just the beginning) I feel more like paying closer attention to what I wear or what I buy.

Above: I am wearing LEGGINGS for the first time ever! I love these They are my favorite!  The boots, leggings, and shirt all came from Catos! The red scarf was a gift from a student.

Below Ive also included some of the other photos that were taken (where my youngest daughter was being a bit silly for the camera)

Check out other blogs and see what others are wearing at The Pleated Poppy. Ill be sure to do this again, and take more photos of how the way I dress (and fashion) is changing as my body changes while I lose the weight Ive always dreamed of losing.

Won Ton Nachos

Since having my VSG , I am on soft foods (being six weeks out) and need to consume a lot of protein. I also need to stay away from carbs (chips) so, an alternative to chips is won ton wrappers! 

I have been looking everywhere for them and finally found them! I placed the wrappers in my Pampered Chef brownie pan and then I added ricotta cheese, fat free refried beans, cheddar cheese, (some had a sliced jalapaneo) and I baked them until the edged of the wrappers were brown and the cheese was melted. I topped them with salsa. 

I was able to eat two (leaving a little on my plate) I felt full and satisfied.  The ricotta cheese is packed full of protein! The beans and cheese contain my needed protein as well.

My family ate some of these as well but I did make a large pan of nachos, taco meat, refried beans and cheese for them.  

*note* that is a really small plate I have my won ton nachos on. I try to use small plates because placing small amounts on a large plate looks so sad.