Struggling with Mommy Feelings

I am the mother of 4 children ranging in age from 23 to 15. From a young age I longed for the time when I would be a wife and a mother. When my oldest was born, I fell in love. I fell in love with my baby boy, with motherhood and rarely let him leave my side. I stayed home to care for him and 17 months later my second child was born. I loved playing with them outside, reading books, and raising them in church. Two years later I gave birth to my third child. The days were sometimes hard and tiring but I never regretted being a mother. I rarely bought anything for myself, I did everything for them. I wanted to give them things I didn't have as a child. We scraped by financially but I was home day and night. I sang with them, prayed with them, and loved them unconditionally. Four years later my youngest was born. I fell in love with my baby girl just like I did every one of them. I prayed over them and with them. I did my best.

Now, I have only one left in school. I am so proud of my children but man, is it ever hard to have done everything you know to do and then watch them leave the nest knowing that you cannot be there to protect them anymore. You cannot step in when a bad decision is being made, you can only pray for them and trust God. 

When I decided nearly a year ago that I was ready to take time for myself and do something for myself by having surgery to assist with my health, I felt like I had spend all these years being selfless and it was time to spend time on me. 

Tonight as I think more about how fast approaching my surgery is I feel guilt. I feel like I should be spending this time and money on my children. I feel like I should be there for them but what could I really do? I feel guilty and helpless. Praying is easy to do but having the faith your prayers will be answered in Gods timing and God's way is so difficult. My personality wants to take over and jump in a fix everything and I simply cant do that. Only God can be there to guide them. I wont always be there and I know deep down that I need to also take care of myself but its so hard to do. I'm struggling tonight.

Prayer, Changes and hot flavored coffee drinks

When someone asks for prayer it doesn't have to be a major catastrophe in their life. Maybe its something minor, maybe its an upcoming decision or change. It could be for a family members salvation or any number of things. When someone asks for prayer we don't need to know why just pray and never tell someone you will be praying if you aren't going to.

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Our family is going through many changes right now. I started a new job in the Public School System which means getting paid once a month. Our Firefighter had oral surgery and moved out of our home. Our Future Doctor is wearing a heart monitor to make sure everything is ok. Our Marine will soon deploy and that is always tough on everyone. We face financial issues, health issues, and the worry over safety and salvation of family members. Our family is going through a lot and I greatly appreciate your prayers. 

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Its the beginning of a new school year and we have to get back into routines. I love routines but when we get used to lazy summers its tough getting back on track. Our Future Doctor is looking at and applying for colleges. I'm so proud of her, so much so I feel my heart will burst at times. I feel that way about all of my children! I'm proud of Future Doctor but its sad to think about only having one child left at home. I think it will be hard on our Baby Girl also.

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Our weather is changing. It feels like Autumn and that's my favorite time of year! 

I love pumpkins, scarecrows, hot cocoa and flavored coffee.

Prayer